When I heard that crews are being trained to fly to Mars, and that there was some monkey-business involved, I thought my application to NASA had finally been accepted. I started packing my bags immediately. Even those of you who haven\u2019t been accepted to astronaut school know the first choice to be made: hot climate or cold climate?<\/p>\n
As it turns out: cold. The Curiosity rover is recording temperatures that generally range between 0C and -80C. I\u2019m glad they remembered to put a thermometer on that thing. Frankly, that\u2019s the sort of detail that I\u2019d overlook. When I bought our last car I forgot to specify a CD player, and as a consequence we\u2019ve been captive to the same Buck Owens cassette tape for six years.<\/p>\n
I guess that\u2019s why they wanted me to be an astronaut and not an engineer. But, if I may share some confidential information with you civilians, we\u2019re all on the same team in the space program, and that\u2019s what really counts. And I don\u2019t really want all the glamour, but it just comes with the job.<\/p>\n
Anyway, after I was packed I told my wife I had to catch a flight to headquarters right away. I was going to make a dangerous mission to Mars, and she might never see me again.<\/p>\n
\u201cOK,\u201d she said. \u201cI\u2019ll call you a cab.\u201d<\/p>\n
When I was in the cab Sparky called me.<\/p>\n
\u201cBefore you say anything,\u201d I said, \u201cyou should be aware that this is a non-secure line.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHuh?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve been called to active duty for the space program,\u201d I explained, \u201cso I have to be careful about divulging any mission details\u201d<\/p>\n
At this point, I noticed that cab driver\u2019s eyes kept darting at me in the rear view mirror.<\/p>\n
So I didn\u2019t really talk directly about the subject with Sparky, but sort of danced around it, and told him I\u2019d be going to the \u201cfourth rock from the sun,\u201d and that \u201cprimate-business\u201d was involved.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you bother to confirm this information?\u201d asked Sparky.<\/p>\n
\u201cThere\u2019s no time!\u201d I said. \u201cThey\u2019ll want me to show up as soon as possible. That shows assertiveness. They like that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSays who?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSparky, it\u2019s protocol, dude.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhose protocol?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI dunno,\u201d I said. \u201cIt\u2019s just, you know, protocol.\u201d<\/p>\n
It was 2:13 am in Sparky\u2019s time zone, and he was having coffee, grits and eggs at a Waffle House. His trailer doesn\u2019t have cell reception, so Sparky saves up his phone calls for when he\u2019s in town. Depending on how minutes he\u2019s got left for the month, he might talk a little, or he might talk a lot. Either way, when you talk to Sparky, there\u2019s always the clang and rattle of dishes in the background.<\/p>\n
Sparky cleared his throat, like he usually does before he starts pontificating, and said, \u201cI\u2019m sorry to inform you that you\u2019ve got this all wrong. First of all, it\u2019s Russia, not the U.S., that\u2019s in the news about the Mars training problem. And, secondly, they\u2019re training monkeys for the mission. Not monkey-business, but actual monkeys.\u201d
\n\u201cSo NASA doesn\u2019t want me?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNASA doesn\u2019t want you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd a monkey is a better candidate than I am?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cApparently so.\u201d<\/p>\n
Over the phone I heard the clatter of a dish breaking. I was hoping that someone had dropped a plate on Sparky\u2019s foot. It would serve him right for being such a dream-killing know-it-all.<\/p>\n
So I told the cab driver to turn around. I said goodbye to Sparky, and I looked out the window and just sort of sulked.<\/p>\n
Then the phone rang again. It was Sparky. I\u2019ll bet he\u2019s realized he\u2019s made a mistake, I thought, and he\u2019s calling to let me know my Mars gig is still on track.<\/p>\n
\u201cDude,\u201d Sparky said, \u201cI\u2019ve got six minutes left on my cell plan, and they expire today.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah. So?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, I want to get my money\u2019s worth, obviously.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCall somebody else.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI already did. You\u2019re always my last choice.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWonderful,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m reading about the monkeys. The Russian program aims to get monkeys to Mars in 2017,\u201d he said.
\n\u201cWow, that\u2019s just a matter of months.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah. Turns out, it\u2019s a new wrinkle in an old method. Monkeys were a big part of the early space program. This started in 1948, when the U.S. put a rhesus monkey named Albert onto a V-2 rocket.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow\u2019d Albert fare?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe suffocated.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat next?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, the U.S., France, the Soviet Union\/Russia have all used monkeys in space programs. Some other nations have also launched monkeys on rockets, but I don\u2019t think they made it to space. Many of the events I read about didn\u2019t wind up too well for the monkeys, but the more recent Russian efforts seemed to have gone quite well, at least for the flight phase.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIndeed. So the first Earthling on Mars will be a monkey.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s the plan,\u201d Sparky said.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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