You didn\u2019t ask me how things went on Tuesday. I\u2019m going to tell you anyway.<\/p>\n
On Tuesday, I called a pal and asked if he wanted to go to lunch. \u201cNot today,\u201d he said, \u201cI have to go to the gym.\u201d<\/p>\n
Gym? This guy drives the 300-yard distance from his house to the sari-sari store. And that\u2019s only after letting his car idle in the driveway for 10 minutes so the aircon will cold-soak the interior and he won\u2019t break a sweat. <\/p>\n
Yes, some people really are spoiled. Me, I only use a 5-minute idle; everybody knows that\u2019s sufficient, at least when it\u2019s not summertime.<\/p>\n
Anyway, I said goodbye and called a second friend.<\/p>\n
\u201cDude, you wanna\u2019 get some pizza?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cAh, pizza, no can do,\u201d he said, \u201cI\u2019m having salad for lunch today.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou? Salad?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, me. Salad.It\u2019s organically-raised, low-carb, natural-herbal, fiber-rich salad topped with Mediterranean kale and free-range goat cheese.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAren\u2019t you the same guy who ate meatball sandwiches for breakfast every single day in October?\u201d <\/p>\n
\u201cTrue enough,\u201d he admitted. \u201cBut that was last year.\u201d<\/p>\n
Well, good for last year, I thought, but this isn\u2019t improving the lunch situation at all. I said goodbye.<\/p>\n
Since when did arranging lunch become some sort of moon shot? What\u2019s wrong with everyone?<\/p>\n
I figured I should consult an expert in the field. So I called Sparky. True, he\u2019s not close enough to meet for lunch. He lives far away in a single-wide trailer in the remote bayou. The few strangers dumb enough to venture out there usually disappear, which is just fine with Sparky. When it comes to explaining what in the heck is wrong with everyone, he is the go-to guy.<\/p>\n
So I explained the situation to him. <\/p>\n
\u201cWhat\u2019s kale?\u201d he asked. <\/p>\n
\u201cI dunno,\u201d I said. \u201cSome kind of fish, probably.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSounds about right,\u201d he said. \u201cAnyway, as for your situation out there, don\u2019t worry about it. Your pals aren\u2019t snubbing you. They\u2019ve just got a case of New Year Syndrome.\u201d <\/p>\n
\u201cSyndrome? Sounds serious.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, it ain\u2019t serious at all. It\u2019s a psychological thing. A new year means a blank calendar, sort of like getting a fresh start, and some people want to shed bad habits and pick up some good ones.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou mean, good habits like going to the gym?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cRight. Or eating kalefish salad.\u201d <\/p>\n
I heaved a heavy sigh. \u201cIn that case, I guess I\u2019m condemned to eating lunch alone for the rest of my life.\u201d <\/p>\n
\u201cRelax,\u201d said Sparky. \u201cThis condition is only temporary. In a few weeks everybody will be back to normal.\u201d <\/p>\n
\u201cAre you sure?\u201d <\/p>\n
\u201cYou can bet on it. Before you know it, everyone\u2019s gym clothes will go into the hamper and will somehow vanish during the laundry cycle. The running shoes will go into the closet and the zoris will come back out. The vegetables in the fridge will yield their space to real food, like, you know, hot dogs and pork chops.\u201d <\/p>\n
\u201cPizza, too?\u201d <\/p>\n
\u201cYes, pizza, too,\u201d he said with an air of reassurance. <\/p>\n
He then built a description of how everything would return to normal as the shine wore off of the new year. Granola bars would fade away from jacket pockets and would be replaced by cans of Skoal and Copenhagen. Car ashtrays would once again be filled with ashes. The neatly-creased Dockers purchased in December would, by mid-February, be buried at the bottom of the drawer while the faded old 501s were on top again. <\/p>\n
\u201cMark my words,\u201d Sparky concluded, \u201cit\u2019ll be pizza and meatballs by March, and jeans and flip-flops in time for Easter mass. Then you\u2019ll know that everything\u2019s back to normal.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThanks, Sparky. I feel a lot better now.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGlad to hear it. But, hey, ol\u2019 buddy, I\u2019ve got to get going now.\u201d <\/p>\n
I glanced at my watch. \u201cOf course! It\u2019s just hitting happy hour in your time zone, right?\u201d <\/p>\n
\u201cYep,\u201d said Sparky.<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you going to the veteran\u2019s club as usual?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo time for that,\u201d Sparky said. \u201cI\u2019m late to yoga class.\u201d Then he hung up.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
You didn\u2019t ask me how things went on Tuesday. I\u2019m going to tell you anyway….<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":42,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[162,21,14991,67],"class_list":["post-243902","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-opinion","tag-car","tag-life","tag-new-year-syndrome","tag-people"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.saipantribune.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/243902","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.saipantribune.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.saipantribune.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.saipantribune.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/42"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.saipantribune.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=243902"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.saipantribune.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/243902\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.saipantribune.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=243902"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.saipantribune.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=243902"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.saipantribune.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=243902"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}