{"id":312149,"date":"2019-11-15T06:00:41","date_gmt":"2019-11-14T20:00:41","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.saipantribune.com\/?p=312149"},"modified":"2019-11-15T06:00:41","modified_gmt":"2019-11-14T20:00:41","slug":"t-o-a-s-t-torpid-old-age-senior-tales","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.saipantribune.com\/index.php\/t-o-a-s-t-torpid-old-age-senior-tales\/","title":{"rendered":"T.O.A.S.T.: Torpid Old-Age Senior Tales"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>I read one time that fart and scatological humor was the lowest form of comedy and humor. Don\u2019t you have to start someplace? Why not start with a fart? The following is true. Benjamin Franklin, who is known to have said, \u201cFart Freely\u201d in his famous book, Poor Richard\u2019s Almana, made it to the top of American currency, with his face on your $100 bill. I think he founded the Department of Treasury as well as the American postal system.<br \/>\n\u00a0<br \/>\n<strong>Old-Age Flatulence: Blowin\u2019 in the Wind<\/strong><br \/>\n<em>\u201cThe answer my friend is blowin\u2019 in the wind.\u201d<\/em><br \/>\n\t\t\t\t    <strong> \u2014Bob Dylan<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>The trouble starts with your farts and where they go hence<br \/>\nno need for an investigator to know who is the operant<br \/>\nthe pungent sulfuric odors are more than enough evidence<br \/>\nthough its common for the smell to frequently be a variant.<\/p>\n<p>From baby stage toddler through middle age there is precedence<br \/>\nof dealing with a greasy gassy meal and leftover internal remnants<br \/>\nconsumption of rich buttery pastries leaning toward decadence<br \/>\ngluttony in front of me, obesity onset, and increasing corpulence.<\/p>\n<p>Oftentimes there are multiple efforts made to disguise flatulence<br \/>\nto make it look and sound like no one around can tell at a glance<br \/>\nby making a certain sound with your foot as you walk or dance<br \/>\nand moving away quickly so no one can smell the difference.<\/p>\n<p>So as through stinky gaseous old age you fragrantly advance<br \/>\nlearn some tricks to hide farts so no one looks at you askance.<br \/>\n\u00a0<br \/>\n<strong>Old-Age Flatulence: Double Troubles Too<\/strong><br \/>\n<em>(Hope this breath of not-so-fresh air gets a laugh or two from you)<\/em><br \/>\n\u00a0<br \/>\nThe gas trouble is still there you may well need a double balance<br \/>\nlet it out and get quickly away before those nearby become petulant<br \/>\nespecially if its so bad someone faints and they call an ambulance<br \/>\nor the continuous odors start to drive out upstairs apartment tenants.<\/p>\n<p>Then there is the problem when there is absolutely no pretense<br \/>\nand most horrific whiffs and sniffs begin to affect a romance<br \/>\nyou can\u2019t blame any others and no one comes to your defense<br \/>\none is fighting for the right of way and you can\u2019t take a chance.<\/p>\n<p>So you let it go unannounced and with no warning in advance<br \/>\nwith a whoosh and a whoop out comes fresh flatulent fragrance<br \/>\nand you do-si-do around some kind of shake a tail feather dance<br \/>\nand chalk it up to another of example of nature\u2019s happenstance.<\/p>\n<p>This double duty trouble needs a \u2018let us clear the air\u2019 sentence<br \/>\nto be ended with rapid fire farts and a rat-a-tat reality remonstrance.<\/p>\n<p><em>(Written on Sept. 14, 2019, on the author\u2019s 70th\u00a0birthday)<\/em><\/p>\n<p>LITERARY NOOK<\/p>\n<p><strong>Joey &#8216;Pepe Batbon&#8217; Connolly (Special to the Saipan Tribune)<\/strong><br \/>\n<em>Joey \u201cPepe Batbon\u201d Connolly is a retired teacher and has been named a poet laureate of Tinian. He has taught English in CNMI public schools for the past 30 years. He has also taught in Alaska, New Orleans, and Las Vegas.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>I read one time that fart and scatological humor was the lowest form of comedy&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":11,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[26,304,5148],"class_list":["post-312149","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-opinion","tag-cnmi","tag-las-vegas","tag-new-orleans"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.saipantribune.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/312149","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.saipantribune.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.saipantribune.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.saipantribune.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/11"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.saipantribune.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=312149"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.saipantribune.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/312149\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.saipantribune.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=312149"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.saipantribune.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=312149"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.saipantribune.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=312149"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}