This morning instead of pontificating, let\u2019s enjoy some humor which I hope will brighten your day.<\/p>\n
A. Actual written school excuses given to teachers by parents of students:<\/p>\n
* My son is under the doctor\u2019s care and should not take fizial ed. Please execute him.<\/p>\n
* Please excuse Blance from jim today. She is administrating.<\/p>\n
* Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28,29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.<\/p>\n
* Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.<\/p>\n
* Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.<\/p>\n
* Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed out*), diahoah(crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits<\/p>\n
B. Actual bumper stickers observed on America\u2019s roads:<\/p>\n
* Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister<\/p>\n
* Do not Tailgate. Or I will flick a Booger on Your Windshield<\/p>\n
* Fight crime, shoot back<\/p>\n
* I drive this way just to piss you off.<\/p>\n
* End racism…Kill everyone<\/p>\n
* Crime wouldn\u2019t pay if the government ran it.<\/p>\n
* Join the Army: Visit exotic places, meet interesting people and then kill them<\/p>\n
* Jesus is coming, look busy!<\/p>\n
C. Actual excepts from student science exam papers:<\/p>\n
* Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.<\/p>\n
* Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.<\/p>\n
* Blood flows down one leg and up the other.<\/p>\n
* For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.<\/p>\n
* For asphyxiation : apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.<\/p>\n
* When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.<\/p>\n
* It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.<\/p>\n
D. A reportedly true story:<\/p>\n
A middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.<\/p>\n
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.<\/p>\n
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He took a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then he cleaned the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.<\/p>\n
E. How\u2019s this for quick thinking:<\/p>\n
Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital) and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.<\/p>\n
\u201c Mr. Smith, you\u2019re going to be just fine,\u201d said the nun. \u201cWe need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201c No, I.m not,\u201d answered the man hoarsely.<\/p>\n
\u201c Then can you pay in cash?\u201d persisted the nun.<\/p>\n
\u201c I\u2019m afraid I cannot, Sister.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201c Well, do you have any close relatives?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201c Just my sister in New Mexico. But she\u2019s a humble spinster nun.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201c Oh, I must correct you. Nuns are not spinsters- they are married to God.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201c Wonderful,\u201d said Mr. Smith. \u201cIn that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law!\u201d<\/p>\n
Strictly a personal view. Anthony Pellegrino is a businessman and member of the Board of Education.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
This morning instead of pontificating, let\u2019s enjoy some humor which I hope will brighten your day.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-46875","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-local-news"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.saipantribune.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/46875","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.saipantribune.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.saipantribune.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.saipantribune.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.saipantribune.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=46875"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.saipantribune.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/46875\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.saipantribune.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=46875"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.saipantribune.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=46875"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.saipantribune.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=46875"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}