Saint Dino’s proposal

A number of people I know have expressed great outrage at Congressman Dino Jones’ radical proposal to outlaw adultery. Words like “crazy, lunacy, idiotic, ridiculous, tyranny and banana republic” often pepper conversations concerning this hot topic.

“Don’t worry,” I assure my alarmed adulterous friends. “This is just one of those wild publicity stunts Congressman Jones often employs. Trust me, nothing will ever come of it.”

How do I know this is true? Because I know our esteemed Congressmen. They would never pass such a measure; never in a million years would they do it. It would be too much against their own interests to criminalize their own regular activities (for a good portion of them, at least).

And even if they did ratify such a law, I am quite sure that Judge Timothy Bellas would instantly throw it out of court, strike it down, and declare the whole damn legislation extremely unconstitutional. Trust me on this: any law forbidding, limiting, or otherwise abridging the constitutional right to adultery would never pass
Judge Bellas’ conscientious, judicial scrutiny. (President Clinton would sooner issue an executive order outlawing fellatio before that happens.) Judge Bellas is too much of a good man and an honorable judge to ever let that happen.

But, again, it will never come to court. It will never come to that, because Congressman Dino Jones is just about the only non-adulterous saint left in public office. I have to admit: He is one of the only local Congressman I do not recall ever having seen out and about.

I have seen the Secretary of the Department of . . . a married man, enjoying the company of two young Filipina ladies at a Karaoke club. I have seen Congressman X and F (each of whom was nice enough to buy me a drink) with different women at various establishments. I have seen Congressman Y at the remote, out-of-the-way La Fiesta mall with his mistress. I have seen former Congressman N with a gal (not his wife) at a Manila hotel lobby and Congressman Z at some Manila hot spot.

(What was really funny: on my third trip to Manila, my buddy and I got into a taxi cab outside the Admiral hotel and the driver asked where we were from and whether or not we wanted to have “a good time.” Well, right after we informed him that we were from Saipan, he started to run down a list of top Saipan government officials whom he had helped “paint the town red.”)

Yes, Congressman Jones, you must be a saint.

Strictly a personal view. Charles Reyes Jr. is a regular columnist of Saipan Tribune. Mr. Reyes may be reached at charlesraves@hotmail.com