The various departments in paradise

Pinto Department: Figure, not talking about the US Department of Interior’s Pinto Boys is a much needed change. What a relief! But with the Don Young investigation into alleged overt political activities, the Pinto Boys would be searching for new spins to disguise the shade of truth. So what else is new in the scandal-ridden Clinton administration?

Wannabes: I frequently run into incumbents and new political aspirants with well honed or weird visions. I’ve quizzed why run for public office? Perhaps the best answer I’ve heard in the campaign trail from one aspirant is his lifetime dream for a state funeral. If that is his goal, hey, I’ll put up one grand funeral for you braddah, including a 21 BB Gun salute and an unrehearsed mouth whistle taps to challenge you to “Rise If Possible” (RIP).

Blame Game: Last year during the height of El Niño, we conveniently blamed such weather phenomenon on everything that had gone wrong. This newly developed tradition–blame game–hasn’t subsided. We now blame everything on El Niña. In baseball terms, it’s called switch hitting. Blame El Niño for our well greased sense of mañana and El Niña for strengthening it! Eh, must be a new tool in crisis management.

Unsafe cars: I drove a friend’s car that is literally unsafe at any speed, anytime, and on any street on this island. It was struggling at five miles an hour with mufflers roaring like a 737 jet taking-off. It was so slow, I saw motorists darting by me from behind at high speed. I thought of pulling over the shoulder of the road until traffic clears. But I decided to be a Master of Behind from behind. Why not, you get a chance to see everybody passing by. Thank God it had nothing to do with my career development 30 years ago!

Ooops: Outside the Cathedral stands the biblical tablet upon which was imprinted the Ten Commandments. One reads: “Thou shall not commit adultery”. My buddy remarked: “Why don’t you e-mail that to Representative Dino Jones and see if he wants to repeal it altogether”. I was like, “Since when was it the purview of lawmakers to legislate morality?” Yeah `nai!

Piggery: A political aspirant wants to establish a full-blown government-run piggery. Quizzed why such a program? Said he: “So we can help bereaved families, village fiestas, baptismal and fadañgo parties”. I call this the pig mentality fully subscribed to by social democrats in the US mainland. It’s bad enough that a former legislator wanted benjos built from one end of the island to the other. Imagine a pig pen behind every residential and commercial area. We’d oink our way to Death by Fritada!

Closures: As more businesses close down, revenue generation degenerates, translating into far less revenue in the local treasury. Hey, hey, hey! Let’s co-opt the prevailing attitude of bureaucrats and politicians: tax businesses more and finish the job with more strangling regulations, yeah? It seems the NMI’s SOP during these bad economic times. Has anybody seen Allen Stayman, David North or Sir Jeffrey Farrow? Help! We’re Amerrrrricans too!

Cultural: If you’re not from here and wish to engage in healthy discussion of issues, there’s a certain expression that you must look out for such as “It’s cultural, `nai!” Your best bet is to exit the discussion and quietly leave the place. Otherwise, you’d be in for long local version of the tango!