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Dino’s Platform
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Posted on Sep 21 1999
Dino Jones, our favorite Congressman, is running for re-election this year; and I would like to help him get re-elected. So here’s my sales pitch in his name.
Dear Commonwealth Housewife:
As you know, many of your husbands are cheating on you. Nearly all of them have nonresident alien mistresses. As your faithful congressman, I have worked tirelessly to eliminate this massive problem, by discouraging the influx of alien workers.
In fact, some people have even accused me of being anti-alien. But the truth is that I was only out to protect you housewives from the destruction wrought by philandering husbands and their unscrupulous alien mistresses, who don’t care about your feelings.
Well, unlike these promiscuous women, I care about your feelings. I care about your marriage. I care about your families. And I care about your victimized children.
I consider it my business–and my sacred duty–to protect you. Believe me, I fully sympathize with your desperate plight. ‘I feel your pain.’
Which was precisely why I proposed a House bill to criminalize adultery. In fact, I wanted to make it a felony–punishable by both a fine and a prison term exceeding one year.
You see, I know how hard it is for you local women to keep your husbands when they are subject to so much physical temptation, because–let’s face it–many of these young Asian women are more attractive than you. They don’t have your stretch marks, your wrinkles, your thunder thighs, your vericose veins, your ubiquitous cellulite, or your frothy, domineering, constantly nagging, petty attitudes.
Please vote for me. Vote for me and I will put a stop to CNMI adultery. In the name of your children, in the name of your families, in the name of your troubled marriages, and in the name of your cellulite laced thighs, I humbly ask you to vote for me, Dino Jones–the stopper of CNMI adultery.
Biba Dino Jones! Down with adultery and pretty nonresident alien women!
