21st Century Noah’s Ark

Thanks to House Speaker Ben Fitial for the following story. Remember when God asked Noah to build the ark because he was going to cause a great flood? Imagine if Noah had lived in the United States today, the story may have gone something like this.

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, “In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark.” Instantly God delivered the specifications for an Ark to Noah. “ Remember,” said the Lord, “you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year.”

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. “Noah!” he shouted. “Where is the Ark?”

“Lord, please forgive me,” cried Noah. “I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction from DPW, and your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.”

“Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices. My neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the CRM. Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the DLNR that I really needed the wood to save the owls.”

“However, the Fish and Wildlife won’t let me take the two owls. The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the Department of Labor before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters working on the Ark, but still no owls. When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to my taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending.”

“Meanwhile, the DEQ notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe. Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.”

“The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I’m building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the Tax and Revenue that I owe them some kind of user tax. The U.S. Coast Guard is angry that I failed to register the Ark as a ‘recreational water craft.’”

“And, finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark saying, that since God is flooding the earth, it’s a religious event and, therefore, unconstitutional. I really don’t think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years.” Noah stopped and waited.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. “You mean you’re not going to destroy the earth, Lord?”

“No,” God said sadly. “I don’t have to. The government already has.” Funny, but sadly true!