Assault? Go for it!

Feel like threatening someone with imminent bodily injury? Feel like perpetrating an assault? Then go for it. Don’t let the fear of the Department of Public Safety deter you. Don’t you worry: If my experience is any indication, you would probably get away with it.

Last summer, for example, I had an altercation with one drunken American male. I was visiting a friend, who was hosting a party comprised primarily of attractive young Filipina ladies (friends of his girlfriend), when along came these two uninvited mainland American males, apparently trying to move in on the ladies.

My friend was nice enough to let them stay, which they did, taking advantage of the adult beverages my friend provided. As one fellow became significantly intoxicated, he suddenly threw an empty beer can at me, ostensibly to drive home an incoherent point he was trying to make.

Needless to say, this drunken action animated me; it constituted an assault and battery. So, fearing for my life and safety, and acting purely out of self-defense, I instinctively lunged forward from my seat, grabbed his throat, shoved him down and then promptly desisted when I realized he was lying flat — and completely helpless — on his back.

My next move, of course, was to leave the area, go home, call the police, and report the incident — this vicious assault — against me. The officer arrived at my home, took my report, and would do nothing until he first checked with his supervisor.

When the supervisor, or senior officer, finally arrived, I demanded that they go back to the scene of the crime, interview the witnesses, who were still present, corroborate my story, and arrest the perpetrator. The officer rebuffed my demand, handed me a blue complaint card, and assured me that it would be “investigated” the next business day. (You see, it was a Sunday evening; the criminal investigators were off duty, and assaultsapparently do not warrant top priority.)

So I tore up the blue complaint card and hoped that the experience was just some sort of DPS aberration — that contrary to this encounter, DPS still takes assault complaints rather seriously. Apparently, it does not. My friend, the same one who hosted that party last summer, was recently the victim of yet another assault by a rowdy bunch of inebriated mainland Americans. He was out with his girlfriend, and one of these blokes started hitting on her — right in front of him.

Naturally, my friend told this joker to get lost. The joker then took offense and came back with five of his pals. They surrounded my friend and then proceeded to threaten, intimidate, and assault him.

Naturally, my buddy called DPS. They came, took his report, and — of course — did nothing. An assault charge must be difficult to prove. So, by all means, assault all you want. Just be careful about the “battery” part. “Next time that happens,” I told my friend, “don’t bother calling DPS. Call me. I’ll come right over and we’ll take them on two against six. That way, we could at least make a credible claim of self-defense.”