Madame Chong’s Saipan Sex Slaves

SAIPAN (Gonzo Wire Service)–The “20/20” television program, so named for the IQs of its producers and viewers, revealed that Micronesia’s leading economist is actually an exploited sex slave.

Sources with the program claimed that Ed Stephens, Jr., an economist, was lured to the island of Saipan by the promise that the streets were paved with gold, and that the Saipan lagoon was filled with Corona beer. Stephens instead found that the streets were paved with wrecked Toyota four wheel drive pickup trucks, and that the lagoon was full of E. Coli bacteria.

With nowhere to turn, the native Californian was soon being sold to affluent Japanese women on sex junkets to Saipan. “Economists are regarded as highly sexy in our culture,” said Setsuko, a 56-year old resident of Tokyo. “It is the dream of every woman to have supply, demand, inflation, and liquidity demonstrated by a trained professional.”

Though Stephens maintained a facade as an economist, his associates became suspicious of his activities. “Sometimes in meetings he would blurt out ‘Hey, lady, you buy me drinkee’,” said a local accountant.

“His office hours were rather unconventional, and he seemed to answer to a mysterious Asian woman known as Madame Chong,” said the accountant. Chong, known as the Dragon Lady, is known locally for her trademark black cigarette holder and long, slinky black dress reminiscent of Morticia in the Adams Family. Chong is thought to be Stephens’ pimp.

One source familiar with Saipan’s night life speculated that Chong has “an entire stable of studly economists to service her world wide clientele.”

The source stated “Stephens is just the tip of the iceberg. This vast criminal web extends all the way to the Federal Reserve Bank. After all, why do you think Alan Greenspan was in his 70’s before ever getting married? He (Greenspan) was obviously combining the benefits of bachelorhood and the sex appeal of economists to engage in nefarious activity.”

The source went on to state “there’s obviously a conspiracy at work here.” A written document was provided to Gonzo Wire Service, referring to a “convoluted pricing structure that could only have been devised by economists.” Sources familiar with the industry confirmed that Stephens would charge by the weight of the client, at a rate of $4.00 per kilogram per hour, and that returning clients–many of whom visit Saipan on a semi-annual basis–could hedge against currency risk by purchasing options on yen futures. “He has single handedly kept an entire trading department at a large Singapore brokerage busy,” said a source. “He’s even started to sell shares in himself and is considering an Initial Public Offering (IPO).”

Most residents of Saipan are actually relieved that Stephens has been unmasked as a sex slave. “A sex slave isn’t such a great thing to be, but being an economist is downright shameful. We’re glad that this practitioner of the dismal science is finally doing something worthwhile,” said an island resident.

Stephens is an economist with Stephens Corporation, a professional organization in the NMI. His column appears three time a week: Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Mr. Stephens can be contacted via the following e-mail address:ed4Saipan@yahoo.com.