The candidates and the CNMI

The U.S. presidential race is obviously heating up very nicely, with just about everybody jumping into the fray, from career politicians to Hollywood stars, to former basketball players, multi-millionaires and former professional wrestlers. Wouldn’t it be interesting to be able to gauge their views on our fair islands?

Imagine a press conference with all the presidential candidates present. CNMI reporters could ask a series of questions, such as follows:

Mr. Patrick J. Buchanon, will you please tell us your views on the CNMI?

“Thank you, Ben-Hur from the Saipan Tribune. I am glad you asked me that question, because the first thing I am going to do is deport you along with all the other contract workers, legal or illegal. You see, we have to protect this country from the influx of aliens. I am a firm believer in the America first policy, which I created.

“Once this is accomplished, the next step will be to strip the CNMI of its US citizenship and grant it complete independence, so as to stop the federal funding to that area once and for all. Naturally, the Headnote 3 (a) provision will, of course, be entirely eliminated.

“As a matter of fact, had I been president back in 1944, I never would have decided to seize those islands in the first place, because I never would have provoked the Japanese into bombing Pearl Harbor. But if they did it anyway, I would have probably sued for peace, knowing full well that, like the Germans on the other side of the globe, they never really had any serious intentions of taking over the world. That was just a popular myth propagated by Democrat Franklin Delano Roosevelt to expand the scope of the federal government. ”

Mr. Trump, what do you have to say about all of this?

“Well, Cookie, first off, I think it is absolutely tragic that the Tinian Casinos can’t seem to get off the ground. So the first thing I would do is buy it out, add twenty or thirty more stories to it, and then put the word ‘TRUMP” on it. That should solve the problem right away. I would immediately move to make the Northern
Marianas the finest Casino resort destination in the entire Pacific.”

Senator John McCain, what do you say?

“My first concern would be to expand the American Memorial Park. As a war veteran and former Vietnam POW, I would ensure that our fighting men are forever remembered. Moreover, I would be very sure to grant World War II hero Guy Gabaldon a full pardon for his assault and battery conviction. Please tell probation officer Anthony Gomez, a former Marine himself, to go easy on the old Guy. He’s one in a million. They don’t make war veterans like him anymore.”