The CNMI Underground Man

The CNMI Underground Man is all set to vote in this upcoming mid-term election. “Who is the CNMI Underground Man?” you ask.

The CNMI Underground man is a big fan of Russian novelist Fyodor Dostoyevsky. He is called the “Underground Man” because his favorite literary selection is “Notes from the Underground.”

Since his views probably represent those of the typical CNMI voter, I interviewed the “Underground Man” on this year’s elections. Here is what the underground man had to say about the election.

“Bruddah, first of all, let me make myself perfectly clear on this point: I am voting for Judge Timothy Bellas, bruddah. He is the man. I admire him. He is a good man. He makes adultery look very respectable. I myself frequently commit adultery, and it is very nice to know that people in high places do this, too. It makes me feel very happy inside.

“I also admire how he plays politics. His public relations is very good. It is good of him to let some people off easy. That Chinese woman in the immigration detention office wanted to be abused. He was right to let the guy go without the book thrown at him, just because somebody important asked him to be lenient on his former bowling partner.

“As far as Mr. H. is concerned, I really don’t know why the Reform Party is making such a big deal about his alleged road project. I don’t know if this is true or not, but so what if it is? So what if he paves his house road with government funds? It’s federal money, right? Let him do it, if he did do it. I would do the same if I were in his position. I am voting for him.

“What about that other candidate? I don’t care if he has ten wives. That’s his personal business. As long as he gives me a government job, a free homestead and all sorts of government benefits, why should I care what he does with his former subordinate? It’s none of my business. So what if his opponent is a good family man?

“And another thing: on Article 12, you bet I am voting ‘Yes.’ We have to vote yes to protect our lands–our precious resources. We need to keep these outsiders out no matter what. They have no right to own Chamolinian land. I don’t care if I can buy land in California. I don’t have any money to buy land in California.

“Prejudice? You bet it’s prejudice. So what? Let’s go even further. Let’s make sure only locals can have jobs. Why are we giving so many jobs to aliens? They are taking advantage of us–ripping us off with their high productivity, labor, earnings, local market consumption, local bank savings, and all that monkey business.

“We need proven leaders who can give us generous government benefits, who won’t hesitate to raid the retirement fund, if necessary–to do whatever it takes to dole out the perks. I don’t care if we go bankrupt in process. I want what belongs to others, especially foreign investors–and I want it now.”