Stayman’s Thank You List

Thanksgiving is fast approaching. This is a truly special festive occasion–a time to give thanks to all the people who have helped us along through the years. And on this special holiday occasion, I would like to extend a special thank you to Mr. Allen P. Stayman, for exposing his true partisan colors for the whole world to see.

Mr. Stayman has done us a great service, you see. In trying so hard (and so desperately) to destroy our Commonwealth–and strip it of its local self-government–he has unwittingly exposed his fanatical biases and prejudices.

But, Mr. Stayman, too, must be thankful to certain people. So, on Mr. Stayman’s behalf, I would like to thank the key people who have assisted him in his (so far) failed colonial quest. This should be Mr. Stayman’s thank you list.

First of all, Mr. Stayman has to express a very special and heartfelt thank you to ABC’s 20/20, for conspiring with the Global Survival Network and other labor union-related special interest groups in the smearing of the CNMI. This award-winning television show produced some wonderfully misleading propaganda for the American public’s consumption. Indeed, Mr. Stayman should send a very special Thanksgiving card to the wonderful folks at 20/20. Maybe even some flowers.

Mr. Stayman should also thank his successor, Mr. Danny Ferdinand Aranza, for doing a wonderfully splendid job of covering up his tracks and playing nice after the Interior scandals exploded. Danny Aranza had always been a true follower. He did what Stayman told him to do–even going so far as to come to the CNMI and call our immigration system a “broken down old Ford Pinto” that just had to be replaced rather than repaired.

Special thanks must also, no doubt, go to Mr. David North, for his noble efforts to discredit and unseat U.S. House Republicans. Mr. North worked very hard to destroy the CNMI’s reputation by writing letters, Democratic press releases, congressional testimony and the like. Stayman would indeed be remiss if he didn’t say thank you to his good pal and Democratic brother David North.

And let’s not forget the notable efforts of Mr. Stayman’s former OIA Field Rep., Mr. Jeff Schorr, for being invited to most of the public and private functions, so that he can socialize and enjoy the free refreshments. Jeff Schorr has always been a loyal Interior man. I am sure he kept Stayman fully informed by cutting out newspaper articles and promptly faxing them to Washington.

But, perhaps most of all, Stayman has to be sure and thank his former boss Bruce Babbitt, for decorating and promoting him for possibly violating the Hatch Act.

Stayman should also be sure to thank Jeffrey Farrow in the Clinton administration, as well as the Clinton administration itself, for giving the NMI such a hard time and withholding compact impact funds.

Yes, Mr. Stayman sure has a lot to be thankful for: He emerged from these sordid scandals without so much as a scratch. But, then again, that sort of thing is quite normal with the Clinton administration.