Commodore Stud Muffin’s Ballistic Nuts

SAIPAN (Gonzo Wire Service) -The resident economist on this generally tranquil tropical island caused an international uproar after he menaced the local waters in a restored jet hovercraft.

The craft was allegedly outfitted with a WWII vintage artillery piece scavenged from a local landmark, which was altered to fire coconut projectiles at velocities of over 6,000 feet per second–enough to penetrate three inches of maritime-grade steel hull, putting all ships in the area at risk.

Though no coconuts were fired in anger, the local shipping industry ground to halt as ships evacuated the area as a precaution. The island was plummeted into darkness after the utility was shut down because its fuel shipments had ceased.

The two mainstays of the local economy, garment manufacturing and tourism, also ground to a halt as factories and hotels were idled from a lack of electric power and generator fuel.

Yesterday, an after-dark curfew was imposed on the island after Christmas shoppers were frustrated at a lack of Pokemon toys at local shops, another grim result of interrupted shipping service. Riots had erupted at several stores.
The intelligence gathering unit of the local Department of Public Safety teamed up with a liaison unit from the U.S. Navy and Special Forces commandos. After reviewing surveillance data provided by an infra-red camera equipped U.S. Navy H-60 helicopter, one detective noted “he (the economist) appears to have crewed the hovercraft with five or six Japanese office ladies, who are apparently clad in camouflage-pattern thong bikinis, and who all address him as Commodore Stud Muffin.”

The Navy and the Special Forces were forced to retreat after realizing that coconuts absorb radio waves and are therefore invisible to defensive radar.

Until recently, the hovercraft at issue had been a derelict wreck, abandoned on the lonely and forgotten expanses of the Lower Base shipping port.

Apparently miffed because his efforts to fund the hovercraft’s restoration lacked the necessary support from a fund-raising ad placed for “eccentric millionaires,” The Commodore, as he is now known in Japan after developing a cult following, had embarked on a clandestine restoration project.

A source with the FBI stated: “We think this incident is related to the missing engine report filed by Continental Airlines last month. One of their new 737’s was relieved of a power plant at about two in the morning while parked at Saipan International Airport.”

The source stated that the engine would provide the hovercraft with “a higher thrust to weight ratio than the space shuttle has.” He said that NASA was being put in charge of “apprehension tactics,” since “this much torque in the fiendish hands of Commodore Stud Muffin is a serious and threatening matter.”

The source also noted that “the stealth advantage of high-velocity coconuts is being analyzed by the Pentagon and by a team of ballistic scientists at UCLA.” The source refused to elaborate further, saying the matter is “highly classified.”

In related news, the Prime Minister of Japan issued a statement calling for “calmness and restraint,” citing his concern about the safety of “the vacationing office ladies who found themselves embroiled in this unfortunate situation.”

The statement went on to say “economic times in Japan, as in Saipan, are very tough right now. Some young people are consequently feeling exasperated and hopeless, and are indulging rebellious urges.”