American Hero: Brave Bachman

Here we are fresh into the new year- the new millennium, no less-and we’ve already got a hero for the year. Great start, eh?

Our superstar is Deputy Ken Bachman. who made the papers for his bold and determined public service in Fort Lauderdale, Fla.

Deputy Bachman comes to the limelight via his heroic actions to boldly save society from crime, disorder, chaos, disobedience, and destruction.

Deputy Bachman reportedly saved the community from this threat: a nine-year old child who had the audacity who ride his bicycle without wearing the legally mandated helmet.

Yes, folks. no kidding. In much (if the “land of the free,” it is a CRIME not to wear a helmet when you’re riding bicycle.

Our brave Deputy Bachman, armed, presumably. with only a pistol or revolver. and probably a baton. and probably some Mace. had to confront-a] I alone. without a S.W.A.T. team for backup- -this recalcitrant nine-year old. Brave Bachman gave chase and, thanks to years of rigorous training and finely honed skills, he was able to catch the criminal and apprehend him.

Once Brave Bachman had his man—er, child—on a helmet rap, he wasn’t going to let him get away. So he allegedly threw the kid to the ground and handcuffed him. Bachman is reported to have searched the kid’s belongings, presumably for evidence of having committed more crimes,

What crimes would these be? Not washing behind his ears that morning’? Carrying concealed Pokeman cards’!

Brave Bachman deserves a medal for his heroic acts, carried on in the face of great personal danger. After all, that nine-year old might have been a Tenth Degree Black Belt in giving Noogies, Not even a Keviar bullet pr(x)t vest can protect against Noogies. Deputy Bachman is one brave man indeed.

No story of law enforcement heroics is complete without a Private Eye. and this is no exception. A private investigator who happened to he in the area on an unrelated case managed to video tape some of Brave Bachman’s handiwork.

The story gets weirder. Brave Bachman actually seems to have the backing of his department for his tough guy approach to nine-year olds. “Palm Beach County sheriff officials say the incident captured on videotaped Saturday does not warrant an internal investigation and are backing the deputy.” said an AP report carried on Yahoo’s Internet news service.

Ah, the land at the tree.. the home of the brave … where your kid can’t even venture out for a spin on his bike without getting shafted by the cops. If that happened in Saipan. I think we’d have a public outcry over it. But in the states. people just shrug, turn back to their television sets. pop another Prozac. and wonder why everyone won’t simply follow the rules. America is fairly terrified over the perceived lack of societal obedience.

When I was a kid I loved to ride around the neighborhood on my hike. The one thing I never considered was the prospect of being assaulted by the police.

Ah, but times have changed. Freedom has died in America, but few seem to mourn its passing.