A letter from Senator Dan
It was a real pleasure to receive your note of hearty thanks and congratulations concerning the passage of our CNMI takeover bill in the Senate. It is awfully nice to know that you and old Dave North are still keeping up with our cause, despite having left Interior.
As you know, Al, I have a personal political interest in passing this federal takeover bill. First, because I am sick and tired of John Del Rosario and Charles P. Reyes Jr. constantly making fun of me over the federal takeover issue. (By the way, did you ever hire a private investigator to dig up the dirt on these people?)
I do not think that those ignorant yet arrogant people in the CNMI give me nearly enough credit and respect. So, quite naturally, I am eager to teach those folks a lesson they will not soon forget. (I feel much as you did when you threatened to take down that recalcitrant Congressman in a Washington, D.C. men’s room.)
I believe we sent those people just such an alarming message in the recent Senate vote. I know you agree with me, Al, when I say that those people in the NMI are dumb, corrupt and totally unworthy of local self-government. In fact, they are completely incapable of local self-government, which is why we need to impose a federal takeover right away.
Actually, Al, on second thought, let me take that back a little. Not all of them are quite so stupid. At least one of them–let’s call him our good friend “Juan Necktie”–was sensible enough to side with us on the federal minimum wage and U.S. immigration issues.
In fact, I really appreciated Juan’s political contribution to my re-election campaign. That was very nice of him to do for me. It’s just too bad that he cannot come right out and side with us at the moment, due to the fact that it might compromise his political ambitions, given the unfortunate reality that a federal takeover still remains extremely unpopular among their islands’ stupid voters.
The second reason I want to impose a takeover, Al, is because, frankly, I want to knock them out as a competing tourist destination. Without the nonresident workers to staff their hotels, restaurants, casinos, bars and so forth, they don’t stand a chance in hell of competing with my home state. With a takeover, more Japanese tourists would come to my place for sure.
Of course, it also helps to get good press for standing against these atrocious “human rights abuses.” The liberal press is with us, and we would be remiss if we didn’t milk it for all that it was worth.
I confess: I also do it for my labor union friends. You and I both know that labor support is vital to maintaining my political power. I have to make my people happy. I can’t just tell them, “Don’t worry–the CNMI garment industry will die a natural death in about six or seven years, when all garment tariffs are eliminated.”
That’s clearly unacceptable. We have to kill it right now, to make our friends happy, even at the expense of the NMI people.
But, most of all, I support a federal takeover because I am a liberal Democrat, and because I believe in big, centralized government from Washington, D.C. I relish the power to make decisions–to decide what’s best–for as many people as possible.
Yours truly,
Senator Dan
