Clients wanted!
Attention: Are you a deeply impoverished citizen of the Third World? Are you from mainland China or Bangladesh? Well, how would you like to be a permanent resident of a nice, tourism resort community in the Western Pacific?
“Impossible!” you say. Well, think again, because awaiting you at this very moment are the lovely islands of Tinian, Rota, and Saipan–otherwise known, collectively, as the Commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands.
The CNMI is a U.S. territory eager for your illegal alien arrival. Excuse me, I shouldn’t say “illegal,” because that’s simply not true. There’s no such thing as an “illegal alien” when you hail from mainland China, Bangladesh, Kosovo, or some other god-forsaken hell on earth.
You see, you have “rights”, and I intend to claim those rights for you as your attorney. I know already that you are worried. But you need not be overly concerned. Do not let the word “attorney” frighten you out of participating in this wonderful federal program I am exploiting on your behalf, because, frankly, my dear clients, you don’t need any money.
That’s exactly right. You heard me correctly the first time. You do not need one red centavo, my persecuted and oppressed friends. You do not need show money at the airport. (In fact, you won’t be using the airports. Better to come by boat and en masse at that.)
All you need is a half-way credible claim of political persecution and repression. I will take care of the rest.
All you need to do is board a raft, a boat–the filthier the better. Try and make it as disgusting as humanly possible.
When you get picked up by the U.S. Coast Guard or CNMI Immigration, just say, “I claim political asylum,” and then promptly ask for me as your attorney. Believe me, I would be extremely delighted to help you folks out purely for humanitarian reasons, of course. Naturally, I will collect my attorney’s fees from the local and federal governments. But that’s beside the point. Your happiness is my primary concern, as always.
You may also rest assured: you will be fully entitled to compensation as well–especially if they incarcerate you for arriving without a visa or proper documentation. They have no right to incarcerate you. Here you are completely free.
Hey, it’s not their bloody island. You belong here too. You have every right to claim political asylum and garner me precious attorneys fees. I don’t give a darn how these ignorant indigenous people feel about it; they are powerless to act. They have absolutely no say in the matter.
Come to Saipan and let me represent you. Come by the hundreds. Come by the thousands. Come by the millions, if you can. The more cases–the better for you and me. But just come. Come at all costs. I promise that you will never regret it.
Never mind that my credentials are currently being questioned. Forget the possibility that I may not be licensed to practice law in this jurisdiction. The CNMI bar be damned. I am here to help you. Help me help you! I will not only show you the money; I will virtually guarantee you a fantastic place to stay.
