Telling your children, “I’m sorry”

The other day my four year old son did something to annoy me. Instantly I raised my voice and yelled at him unusually loud. This startled him and he began to cry, tears streaming down his little face. Towering over him I suddenly felt a gripping sense of guilt. How could I frighten this little boy so much because he annoyed me.

With a sweep of both my arms I swooped him up and hugged him tightly all the while whispering in his ear, “Abel, I am so sorryI am so sorry.” He stopped crying looked at me, smiled and hugged me back. Today I don’t recall the annoyance, but I do remember the smile and hug. When was the last time you said to your children or to anyone, “I am sorry,” for whatever you have done to them?

Rabbi Joseph Telushkin, one of America’s greatest speakers, recalls how few people in his audience ever remember having heard their parents apologize to them, even when they did something wrong. For many people the pain of never having been apologized to is often still fresh. He mentions how people describe the humiliation of being forced by parents to say they’re sorry when they had done something wrong, but knowing that no apology would ever be extended to them when they were the victims of their parent’s unfair anger.

What an awful message parents who never apologize send their children: ” You don’t have to seek forgiveness when you mistreat someone weaker than yourself,” or, ” Because I raise and support you, I can treat you as I want. I don’t have to say ‘ I’m sorry,’ even when I am wrong.”

We are quick to praise our children when they show intellectual and athletic accomplishment. We are quick to blurt out to them, ” I am so proud of how smart you are,” or You are a great ball player.” But when they do something displeasing our wrath seems to know no end.
What prevents us from saying, “I’m sorry?”

Invariably we all say unfair things to the people with whom we live, but to do or say something unfair to our child is wrong. That is why learning how to apologize to our children is important. Please don’t wait until a special occasion or until the “I’m sorry’s” pile up and then say them in one general statement: “I’m sorry for anything I did that hurt you.” It doesn’t work. It’s phony and the child will realize it.

Let’s carry this “I’m sorry” further into our daily life. When was the last time you said, “I’m sorry” to your spouse or to a fellow employee? For me the hardest thing to learn was to say, “I’m sorry” to an employee After all, aren’t I the boss. Now that I have learned to say, “I’m sorry” I find that my employees and I have a greater respect for each other.

According to Rabbi Telushkin we need to apologize as soon as we become aware of the unfair hurt we’ve inflicted, and we need to make our apology specific (” I’m sorry that I screamed at you last night in front of your friends”).

The members of your household are the people who know best whether or not you’re a person of honor and integrity. But best of all, the results will be seen in your children who grew up in households in which you knew how to say, “I’m sorry.” They will feel much better about themselves and you

” I am sorry” –so short– so simple– so effective!