Life at the ‘Federal Variety’

Disclaimer: The following depiction is pure fiction. Any likeness to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. This is for entertainment purposes only.

Receptionist: Hello, Federal Variety, how may I help you?

Jeff: Yes, Zippy please.

Receptionist: One moment please.

Zippy: Hello, Zippy Bang Bang here.

Jeff: Zippy, it’s Jeff. How are you doing, good buddy?

Zippy: Not too good, my friend. “The other paper”–the paper I hate–has been bothering me lately. Frankly, I am very jealous of their staff. They probably make more money than me–and, as you know, Jeff, I am worth more than all of them put together. A heck of a lot more! I am the best writer here. Nobody can write better than me. Yet, they think I am some kind of an asinine and insolent little twit.

Jeff: Forget about them, Zippy. You’re the best. I know you are the best. You are the only one qualified to make high brow literary references in these parts. Dave, Bruce, Ferdy and Al all have tremendous respect for your work. We believe you are good enough to write for the New York Times.

Zippy: I know, Jeff. We have been doing fine work. I have been making fun of Mr. Pierce, insinuating that he is the grand wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, publishing unflattering photos of him. I have been defending our position and attacking the opposition. When is the big payoff, Jeff?

Jeff: Be patient, Zippy, I promise you that you will soon get your much coveted Green Card. It is only a matter of time. It is a sure thing, trust me. Meanwhile, keep promoting our agenda in both overt and insidious ways.

Zippy: Jeff, like I said, I have already been doing that at the Federal Variety. Look at the slant of our “news” stories. They almost invariably favor your–I mean, our–side.
Jeff: Yeah, believe me, I have noticed. Our friends in the great Green Card land have noticed too.

Don’t worry. Keep attacking Uncle Ben. Keep up the transparent hypocrisy.

Complain when they support G.W., but ignore Juan Necktie when he contributes to our Democrat friend in Hawaii. Don’t report it.
Don’t report–and certainly don’t condemn–King Carlos when he gives thousands of dollars to Al G. Keep up your bias. Green Cards will be coming soon. When we get done with our enemies, your outfit will have no commercial competition.