The economic Grinch

The suitcase squad is in the holiday spirit already. While we celebrated Halloween marking the closing of Wendy’s, along with the news of armed thugs robbing a laundromat, the first snow has fallen in some U.S. mountains, and the pictures I’ve seen via email are very jolly indeed.

In case you’ve tuned in to this column late, “suitcase squad” refers to the professionals who have packed their bags and moved to places that have healthier economies.

Ah, yes, the old “economy” thing…do we still have one left? Maybe not. But do I still have some bad metaphors to mix? Sure, don’t you worry about that…but you should hope that Santa Claus doesn’t run out of food stamps, or we’ll have nothing but growling bellies to show for Christmas.

As for Christmas in the states, though, they’ll have plenty to show. True, economic growth has slowed to a pretty mild 2.7 percent rate, but even that humble figure can’t dampen the happy economic buzz they’re enjoying. Who needs to spike the egg nog when the bank account is doing so well?

I’d like to report that the suitcase squad members aren’t gloating, aren’t sending us e-mail telling us how great things are in the U.S. of A., aren’t implying that we’re hapless dingbats for remaining in Saipan’s dysfunctional economic disease ward. Alas, however, I cannot report this.

I’ve got news, folks: They’re laughing at us. Not merely sniggering, mind you, but really whooping it up. Belly laughs. Ho-ho-ho laughs. My friends–and most readers, as well–know I’ve got a healthy and benignly warped sense of humor, so the suitcase squad doesn’t pull any punches when the caustic Saipan remarks are circulated. Seemingly all of them find their way to my email.

And, you’ve got to admit, when even Wendy’s goes under and we’ve fallen to the point where gunpoint robberies are used to take washing machine quarters, there is a farcical air about things.

Indeed, it is plain to folks a hemisphere away, but seemingly invisible here. While we merrily chug along with business as usual, the outside world now regards us like festering lepers at a hot tub orgy. Economy? What economy? What–me worry? Hey, lemme grab a rifle, maybe I’ll head to the laundromat and steal your underpants.

In all fairness, what can we do but laugh now? The time for decisive economic action came–and went. The United States is in overdrive, Korea has upshifted into third, Japan at least has found neutral, and we’re still fighting over who’s got the car keys so we can open the door.

As for the suitcase squad, their kids are well tended, all settled into their new schools and new houses. As for the kids here, I haven’t a clue what they’re going to be able to do. Some will be able to get stateside for college. Others, however, will find that the Grinch stole their economy.

All that’s left to do is to fight back. Me, I’m downloading every good digital picture of Saipan’s beaches that I can. Sure, the first winter’s dusting is always fun, but the suitcase squad will soon have to wade through piles of gray mush and frozen doggie doo. I’ll be sending my brace of sunshine pictures out when I read about the first big blizzard. It’s not much, but it’s all I can do.

Hopefully, at that point they’ll think of us, associate good feelings with Saipan, and will send more food stamps.

Stephens is an economist with Stephens Corporation, a professional organization in the NMI. His column appears three times a week: Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Mr. Stephens can be contacted via the following e-mail address: ed4Saipan@yahoo.com.