Urban woes are not urbane

What a weekend we had in the criminal realm. I’ve got a number of Crime and Dumbishment items on my desk this week, the most notable being a reportedly brutal, knife-to-the-throat rape in a residence.

The case brings to mind an old acquaintance of mine, Julie, a bubbly blonde California school teacher, who was a bachelorette with the attendant worries about crooks in the dark of night. Julie was a regular dead eye with her pet 12 gage Smith & Wesson riot gun. She kept it under her bed and called it her “feminine protection,” and I’ve no doubt that any hapless goon with felonious intent would have quickly found himself with an ounce and a half’s worth of double-ought, lead vasectomy.

And, as an aside, yes, S&W did indeed put their name on a line of shotguns (back before my hair started turning gray) so you young ‘uns should do your research before sending me any e-mail to the contrary.

If your public school is like mine was, you probably envision Julie as a dumpy, bovine, Prozac-popping, cat-owning, ice-chewing, television-watching, dateless feminist pedagogue. Julie was a rare breed, though, a real good looker with sharp wits, a great attitude, fur-lined handcuffs…and, over summers, green hair (she is a Californian, remember?) I don’t know about you, but I would never risk a hostile encounter with a green-haired shotgunner. Julie didn’t whine about her self-esteem in support groups, she just spent one Saturday a month at the shooting range. Feminine protection indeed.

Meanwhile, back on our fair shores, I’m smugly standing by my numerous predictions that the whole socio-economic gig here is sliding into nastiness. A clean, well lighted, and virtuous economy is one thing; a shady financial situation crisscrossed by lines and shadows is another. We’ve chosen the latter course, and evil, as always, likes to lurk in these nooks and crannies.

What’s truly amazing is how Saipan, a place with no inner-city, has imported the woes of inner cities. We’ve got East Los Angles and Harlem right here: Entire generations dependent on government entitlement programs, sky-high unemployment is some sectors, utterly brutal and violent crimes, and even, to fill out the scene, the twin vulgarities of rap music and “hip-hop” urban scum clothing.

And, we’re offering the typically clueless inner city non-solutions: Calls for more government hand outs, plans for youth centers (only delinquents frequent such places), endless jabbering about “self esteem” and other social cotton candy, and shrill, sanctimonious preaching from the graybeards about “responsibility” and such.

Meanwhile, the brave men and women of the Department of Public Safety are tasked with keeping a lid on this boiling pot. This thin blue line is what keeps a burgeoning criminal element from slitting all of our throats in our sleep. Sez me: Take a police officer to lunch, and let him or her know you appreciate their efforts.

Or, if things get really bad, give Julie a call. It’s school season, so she’ll be blonde again, and she might even show you her handcuffs.

Stephens is an economist with Stephens Corporation, a professional organization in the NMI. His column appears three times a week: Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Mr. Stephens can be contacted via the following e-mail address: ed4Saipan@yahoo.com.