Word usage and other productive interests

Early in my career more than 2 score and ten years ago I was a U.S. naval instructor—but I always wanted to teach non-nautical subjects. Something “dry.” Unfortunately I became immersed (drowned) in the muck and mire of the dismal science of economics. But now I’m breaking free of economic quicksand, which too often is influenced by political obfuscation a.k.a. BS.

Two subjects in particular of interest are: history and the English language. In addressing the latter and the treasure of our tongue I am especially fond of the following:

* Oxymorons: Often a figure of speech that uses seemingly contradictions. Examples: same difference; tight slacks; work party; agree to disagree and sound of silence.

* Double Entendres: in French, double-entendre means “double meaning.” Examples: of actual newspaper headlines found on the Internet include: Iraqi Head Seeks Arms; War Dims Hope for Peace; Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half. Clinton Wins Budget—More Lies Ahead.

* Sesquipedalian lexicon: the English term for unusually long words with many syllables. Etymologically, from Latin sesquipedalis; literally, a foot and a half long. The noun sesquipedality means “lengthiness.” Example: Everything that coruscates with effulgence is not ipso facto aurous. Translation: All that glitters is not gold. Other examples: trichofillomania—“a compulsion to pull out one’s hair.” As in an action sometimes resulting from statements uttered by politicians that make absolutely no sense at all. Omphaloskepsis is still another appropriate term to sometimes apply to politicians, it means “to contemplate one’s navel.”

* Plurals for Animals: The English are the people that enriched the language with a wide variety of words such as those designating the plural for groups of animals when a single word such as “bunch” would have sufficed. Examples: a pride of lions, pod of whales, covey of quail, murder of crows, gaggle of geese, an exaltation of larks, etc.—all of which results in an extremely rich and beautiful language. You can make up your own plurals, which are just as legitimate as those indicated above. Examples: a promise of politicians; a deck of sailors, a record of accountants or an accounting of economists.

Then there is one box is a box, two are boxes; one ox is an ox, two are oxen. I am certainly happy that I never had to learn English as a second language—a very difficult process I suspect and I still have trouble with it as a first language.

* Animal Sounds: The word describing animal sounds imitated by a human is onomatopoeia. Examples: “moo”, “bow wow”, “meow” and so forth. I leave it to the reader to imitate the particular sound of, say, a dinosaur which some brilliant mind has speculated resulted in their ultimate demise.
This hypothesis holds that dinosaurs were vegetarians processing food in their stomach through the process of fermentation. The gas they passed is believed to have eventually destroyed the ozone layer with the result they became extinct. That’s an onomatopoeic sound of relief lost amid the cosmic gases and dust and of the ages.

Granted another reason for their possible extinction that cannot be discounted may have resulted from Noah being able to collect a male—but unable to get a female to walk up the plank—the rains came—the ark broke loose from Mt. Ararat—and he said “to heck with it”—and threw the male overboard. But that’s another story and perhaps justification for a government grant to study the possibility further.

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History Lesson

Here one also needs a measure of competence in the English language as well being gifted with a degree of historical insight. As far as my interest in teaching history, the subject is quite vast encompassing the very ancient past up to the present—too much ground (actually, time) to cover so I decided to specialize in only the American Civil War and even then only one aspect. That being the reason the south lost to the north. One must also know one’s limitations—it’s impossible to know everything in spite of what some politicians believe. The following is my theory which I would teach if I had access to a classroom in some southern state. The class title would be: “A Civil War Lecture #101 At A Southern College” by William Stewart, Raconteur & Historian Extraordinaire. The general content would be as follows: According to a rough estimate there must be about eight thousand or so individual counties within an area that is generally referred to as the American South. This means about eight thousand courthouses each with a statue of some Confederate soldier. These bronze replicas are generally divided into two broad categories, those astride a horse and those who are not. Those not mounted are further subdivided into two classifications as silent monuments brandishing a raised sword and the others forlornly staring off into the distance as if waiting for support from a vanquished army.

I recall reading somewhere that a statue mounted on a pedestal must have its scale exaggerated usually to a height of seven feet. It has something to do perspective or something. Either that or each of the relatives lied as to the physical stature of their departed hero for it is a well known fact that 100 years ago people were of a smaller stature than today.

We are taught that during the Civil War cotton and tobacco were the major crops in the South but if they had only known the value of marijuana they might have won by subverting members of the Northern Army into smoking pot, thereby rendering them somewhat to a lethargic and stupefied state. At that point they could have waited until their opponents were “stoned”, attacked and beat the “stuff” out of them. Lee must have failed to appreciate the strategic advantage of this member of the vegetable kingdom and let victory slip away while his solution was virtually “under foot,” so to speak. Being mounted, he obviously failed to fully comprehend the potential use of this weapon. Had he spend less time in the saddle and more afoot he may have stumbled upon this unrecognized tool of warfare during those last desperate days. Or perhaps lingered with his men around a smoking camp fire. But he didn’t and thereby lost.

This opened the way for carpetbaggers to flood into the South selling whatever wares were needed. One such salesman obviously represented a Northern foundry. This enterprise took the no longer needed Northern cannon, melted them down and made statues. Their catalog might well have been the forerunner of the famous American mail order business. Thus, two heretofore unknown businesses had their origin out of the flames of the only war ever fought on the soil of the American continent. This was the first “buy now, pay later” financing arrangement in the South. The income from such sales contributed to the payment of the North’s war debt according to the theory of a little appreciated Commonwealth economist.

Lee’s strategic blunder might not have occurred had he only consulted the Indians who long knew of the power of nature’s bounty. Indians must have smoked every conceivable vegetable over the millennia—maze, onions, celery, even cow dung, before the discovery of the strange properties of a particular “weed.” As an interesting side note, of the three kingdoms—animal, mineral and vegetable—so far, only the vegetable kingdom offers such bizarre reactions when consumed—granting of course—solid minerals are sometimes hard to void—er, digest—alas, I digress.

There is no historical evidence that Lee smoked pot although it is a possibility that can not be entirely discounted. Why else would he have thought there was the possibility for victory of a superior equipped adversary? Or perhaps it was the other way around. Lee’s troops discovered this strange hallucinogenic substance and as a result smoked and lost ambition and the will to fight and win. We may never know for certain but there is ample evidence in the younger generation that abides this illegal and dangerous substance: laying around all day, refusing to work and failing history lessons such as this. Of course, being a southerner myself I’m aware of the region’s reverence for its history, thus my lecture could only be given once—after which it would be necessary to leave town.

As a little known sidebar to history when one observes a statute on the lawn of a courthouse in the South— if there is a statue of a person on a horse with both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. If there is no horse under the statue the person simply eventually died and went to glory.

Happy New Year.

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William H. Stewart, Special to the Saipan Tribune