A first essential for peaceful relationships

Last time, I shared how I became convinced that working for peace is futile without first working toward building unity. This line of thinking came to me from a statement I had read years ago: “The well-being of mankind, its peace and security, are unattainable, unless and until its unity is firmly established.” The next question that arises, of course, is what do I have to do to establish unity? If I need to shift my focus to first establishing unity, what am I going to have to do differently? What is needed for unity to exist?

In considering this question, rather than thinking about unity on an international or global scale, I began to think about unity on a personal level. Today I’ll share a principle that has been identified as one of the “first essentials” of unity. It is quite a simple principle, quite profound, and for many of us, also quite difficult.

In order to achieve unity, one of the first essentials is that we resist the natural tendency to let our attention dwell on the faults and failings of others rather than on our own. Hmmmm…resist the natural tendency to let our attention dwell on the faults and failings of others. This does seem quite simple, yet also quite difficult. As I thought about this, I came to realize that in my own relationships, anytime that unity is lacking, or that I’m not getting along with someone, or that I’m just unhappy about the way things are going, it is usually because I am dwelling on the faults and failings of the other person. I’ve come to realize that it really is hard to have unity when we dwell on one another’s faults and failings. And without unity, there is no peace and security in the relationship.

Dwelling on the faults and failings of others is the first step towards disunity. I’m convinced that any disunity between people can be traced to the fact that someone is dwelling on the faults and failings of another. Resisting this tendency is the foundation of unity among people and the foundation of the peace, security and well-being in any relationship. It is essential. A peaceful relationship cannot exist without it. Think about some difficult relationships in your life. I’ll bet that a big part of what makes them difficult is that the folks involved are dwelling on the faults and failings of one other.

One thing that struck me is that this tendency to dwell on the faults and failings of others is identified as a natural one. We are all naturally inclined toward dwelling on the faults and failings of others rather than on our own. And like any natural tendency, it can be difficult to resist. After all, everyone has faults. Your parents have faults. Your boss has faults. Your neighbors have faults. Your employees have faults. Your children have faults. Your co-workers, your spouse, your housekeeper, your friends, your in-laws, your brothers and sisters, your community leaders—they all have faults. Even people that you don’t know have faults! The cashier, the waitress, the person driving in front of you, by golly, everybody has faults. You can hardly swing a dead cat without hitting someone’s faults. Every time you come into contact with another person, you are likely to get whacked by one of their faults. The key is to resist the natural tendency to dwell on them.

Not only does dwelling on the faults of others rupture the unity that may exist, it also makes you just plain unhappy. It’s fair to say that you will never be happy as long as you dwell on the faults of others. The lives of the unhappy people I know are consumed with dwelling on the faults of others. By doing so, they fracture the security, peace and unity of the relationship, and they are miserably unhappy. It’s no wonder that it has been said that the most hateful characteristic of any person is fault-finding.

Early on in most types of relationships we resist this natural tendency. But as time passes, our attention begins to dwell on the faults and failings of the other. In the early days of the marriage, it’s all love and romance. Love is blind to the faults and failings. Later, the couple begins to see one another’s faults. Those couples who dwell on those faults and failings eventually become buried beneath them. The new employee is bright and enthusiastic, a godsend, the best thing that ever happened to the place. But as time passes, everyone becomes aware of each other’s faults and the cheerful mood dissolves. Does any of this sound familiar?

Unity is needed for peace, security and a sense of well-being. A first essential to having unity in a relationship is to resist this natural tendency to let our attention dwell on the faults and failings of others. To resist implies that one needs to make active effort. But how can we resist this natural tendency? Next time we’ll discuss some practical strategies to resist the natural tendency of letting our attention dwell on the faults and failings of others. Until then, when things get rough in your interactions with another person, or even when you just become slightly unhappy with someone, ask yourself, “Am I dwelling on their faults and failings?” This is a first step toward bringing about unity and peace.

(David Khorram, MD is a board certified ophthalmologist, and director of Marianas Eye Institute. Questions and comments are welcome. Call 235-9090 or email eye@vzpacifica.net. Copyright © 2005 David Khorram.)