Division of Parking Meters

SAIPAN (Gonzo Wire Service)–Merchants in the Garapan shopping district have found a new reason for hope in the island’s failing economy: parking meters.

The newly installed meters are the talk of the town and merchants are unanimously, and enthusiastically, in favor of the coin-operated devices. “There were never parking problems here before,” said the owner of a restaurant, “but now our patrons will be totally inconvenienced, which will rid us of pesky customers.

“Furthermore,” the merchant observed, “the painted lines that delineate parking spaces are reducing the amount of usable spaces. This will also help relieve of us having to serve paying patrons.”

Garapan, once a vibrant retail center, is now a moribund stretch of concrete, more populated with wandering prostitutes than free-spending tourists. Parking meters will help complete the transformation of the area into a venue unencumbered with local shoppers or commercial activity.

Environmental experts predict that the jungle will reclaim the area within five years, citing the “re-greening” of a closed restaurant known as Rudolpho’s.

“When Garapan the shopping district becomes Garapan the rainforest, we will have a tremendous opportunity in the eco-tourism market,” said Shaggy Marx, a former planner for the local tourism agency.

Marx unveiled a “Green, Green, Green” advertising campaign that will highlight reclaimed businesses. “The tour will start at La Fiesta mall, which is re-greening quite nicely,” said Marx. “Tourists will then ride bicycles made out of organically grown hemp down to Rudolpho’s, then will ride through Garapan, and then down to Hakubotan.”

No target market for this tour was identified, however. Saipan has eschewed its former staple of Japanese package tourists, and aims to host “Free Independent Travelers” from nations with bad economies.

In related news, the Deputy Director of Saipan Parking Meters announced that the Parking Meter Division will be split into two subdivisions, one for meters in North Garapan, and one for meters in South Garapan. A South and North Garapan Meter Liaison Office was also established in order to “facilitate the tremendous opportunities of the tremendous diversified diversification of the essential services.”

The various parking meter departments will create about 230 jobs, which will trigger a “tremendous multiplier effect,” an official stated.

The Board of Directors of the North Garapan Parking Meter Subdivision has completed it first fact-finding mission to Bangkok and Paris, and the South and North Garapan Meter Liaison Office is said to be preparing a similar mission in Athens.

Meanwhile, Garapan’s merchants are enjoying the peace and quiet of their venue, and are looking forward to more of the same. “I’m going to take a vacation in Guam,” said one souvenir storeowner, “so I can remember what tourists and customers look like.”

(Ed Stephens Jr. is an economist and columnist for the Saipan Tribune. E-mail him at Ed@SaipanEconomist.com.)