Source: Sluts, whores and one-legged stripper working at Ms.

Reports of daily forced strip searches for a shred of real intelligence in the research section of the nearly defunct magazine are causing a downturn in the stock price. A worker who insists on remaining anonymous says there are peep holes in all the public restrooms at the Ms. Mag headquarters with video displays to the CEOs office so she/he(?) can “give a poop” about factual reporting. Reportedly, an in-house abortion clinic is set up near the final copy edit room so that articles not displaying enough skin, sex and violence can be canned or sent upstairs for upgrading to sensational status.

An unnamed, but obviously truthful, staffer claims that drugs abound in the posh, but unairconditioned and thus stuffy, offices of the Ms Mag Rag including direct injection of human waste into their writing staff.

Says an impeccable source: “They came to Saipan to force Asians and Pacific Islanders to go tinkle tinkle while they filmed it to show at the company’s last wild party.” The word is that since they don’t expect anyone who can read to show up they need an infusion of “yellow journalism” to keep up their reputation as an inveigler of near truth.

A jogger passing by their downtown office says he knows for sure that “they are in severe pain because their panties are in a bind” caused by severe discomfort at not being in a definable marital status or able to control their pent up urges to cross their legs and open their minds simultaneously.

Hopefully the staff of Ms Magazine will stay in their own hometown and find a source of phony scandal for a few last published articles before their monthly turns into a yearly and finally dies gasping for readership.

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Capitol building: A capital idea

Someone on Capitol Hill had their thinking cap on when they came up with this idea. It will save a huge amount of money as the years go by. It will also give us a chance to have a ‘signature’ piece of architecture on our beautiful Isle. I’m sure there are some government office landlords out there who won’t be too happy that their gravy train will be derailed, but hey, they have gotten rich sucking at the public tit already, let’s give someone else a chance.

I have only two suggestions:

First, start off not with a 15 million dollar budget building, but with a 7-_ Million dollar building. That way when the cost over-runs and the change orders and the shipping delays and the redesigns and the shady contractor under the table deals all play out, we will have spent only the 15 Million we could afford in the first place.

Second, pass a law, better yet amend the constitution, to prohibit the government from ever building a bigger building or moving even one government employee out of the new “all-in-one” Capitol building once they all move in. every government employee, elected official and contracted ‘special assistant’ must fit into the building and stay there.

You can immediately see the advantages. We start with a building one half the size they think they need, and future administrations won’t be able to add layer after useless layer of government workers to the staff because there will be no place to put them.

An additional advantage for all us citizens of the private sector persuasion is that we will only have to go to one building to accomplish anything we need (or are forced) to do. The much-promised “one stop service” will finally come to pass. Licensing and related fees, paying fees, labor and immigration processing, paying fees, BMV vehicle registrations, writing checks to the CNMI Treasurer, permitting, paying taxes, paying user fees, etc. Did I mention paying? Okay, you get the idea.

Fishing market on first base

I’ll start by saying that I signed the petition to keep the Market at Fishing Base. But I believe we can have our fish cake and eat it too by having the floating hotel include a space for the fishing market on the front part of its property. It seems to me that the market would act as a tourist draw, bringing additional people to the grounds of the new hotel while preserving the culturally important location for the use of all local residents.

Being trained as an architect, among other things, I saw the draft rendering of the current design and was struck with several items that may need rethinking. (Note: Since this was just a rendering, and not the actual plans, perhaps it does not reflect the final design). As an example, it apparently has no windows. The customers won’t be able to see out and enjoy the view of our beautiful island. With no windows, what happens when (not if) the power goes off? Hint: The A/C goes off, refrigerators go off, the lights go off, the fish stink and the market closes. I suggest adding openable windows or better yet, make it a roofed, open-air pavilion style market to take advantage of the natural breeze.

Also, it is designed with only 12 stalls. This is not nearly enough to accommodate all the vendors of fish, fruits and vegetables, produce, local handicraft and other items they may wish to sell. Once again the open-air style would be much less costly to build so it could be expanded to be much larger while spending the same amount or less on construction. Think of the money saved on aircon units not purchased during construction and for operating costs that would go on for the life of the building.

There are some other details that could use some work in the plan I saw, and for the rather large fee paid to the designers, I would think they might provide a few changes without additional charge. Maybe if prodded, the new hotel owner would want his design team to integrate a tasteful market design into the landscape plan they have for the hotel instead. Whichever way we go, hotel or market or vombination, lets finish the Fish and Farmers Market in a timely manner…I’m hungry!

Quote of the week: “A free and prosperous society has no fear of anyone entering it. But a welfare state is scared to death of every poor person who tries to get in and every rich person who tries to get out.” — Harry Browne (1933-2006).

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Bruce A. Bateman writes Sour Grapes when the moon is full and the mood strikes. Stay tuned for each exciting episode of Sour Grapes. Yes, he is opinionated. Fro comments, e-mail bbateman@pticom.com.