The Eyeball Test

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and smells like a duck, it’s probably a duck.

That is the basic rule of the Eyeball Test.

No courtroom rules need apply. Your eyeball is the judge, jury and executioner of what is true and what is a baloney sandwich. And you can’t be wrong, since they are your eyes and no one can tell you what you see.

Let’s take a case study and put it to the Eyeball Test.

Twenty-eight-year-old male married with two children meets 15-year-old girl in karaoke and develops a relationship, albeit not sexual until she was of age. Later he sends her tens of thousands of dollars in cash in Fed Ex boxes. She visits him in his apartment away from his family home. The girl-now-woman does not refute this report. Hmmm. A story like this does not even get past the cornea.

Of course, none of that is illegal unless adultery is against the law in the jurisdiction. Not even newsworthy. Unless you have a pending defamation lawsuit. One can only wonder if the Rocket’s lawyer explained all this to him, and if he did (I would assume he did), why the Rocket would pursue this course of action. One would think Roger Dodger has had enough public embarrassment by now.

And then there are new reports of Clemens hooking up with John Daly’s ex-wife in SoCal. Where will it end?

Now you understand why Barry Bonds has not filed any suit, knowing his mistress would be a brutal weapon of destruction and humiliation. Oh, the slime fest that would be.

Roger Clemens—you failed the eye exam. Again. At least in his case the ladies were ladies, and not ladyboys.

Enter Brazilian soccer superstar Ronaldo. He should have used the Eyeball Test in the most direct way: see if those hookers had Adam’s apples before taking them to his room. When he found out they were transvestites he quit, saying “no mas.” The deal was supposed to cost $600. The shemales wanted $30K to keep their mouths shut and video unseen by the masses.

Imagine (please do) his shock and dismay when he got below the waist visual proof that those weren’t women. Looks like he should have paid the extorters what they wanted and call it cheap insurance. He will lose a multi-million dollar contract with Nike and he lost his gorgeous girlfriend too. No wonder he went into seclusion at his mother’s house.
Don’t ever get caught on the wrong end of the Eyeball Test.