What happened to the man in gentleman?

As reported by the Criminal Justice Planning Agency from 2007 and up to the middle of 2008, the shelter for abused victims of domestic violence cared for 179 cases. If the true figure were known it would probably be three times that. Since domestic violence is a highly underreported crime, we will never know the exact number of abused women. Unfortunately for them, many refuse to report the incidents of abuse for whatever reason, whether shame or fear.

Almost daily we read about men being charged with spouse abuse. Many of them get too light of a sentence with only a few days or hours in jail with the rest of their sentence suspended. Some of them receive several years jail sentence. At least they will not be around for some time to continue punching women. I hope that they become punching bags for some of the other inmates while in jail.

What is it that provokes a man to do such a dastardly deed? Can there be any excuse for such actions? Should spouse abuse be blamed on alcohol or on any other reasons? What has happened to the “gentleman” that should be in all of us men? Where is the “manliness in man? What happened to respect for woman? How much of this is based on our social customs? What are we teaching our young people about male and female relationships? This wild beast action shows an underlining sickness that must be rooted out.

It is heartening to see that more and more women are speaking out against abuse they receive from their husbands or other men. Increasingly we read about the disgusting true facts about domestic violence against wives and children. I have never been able to understand how a man can continuously abuse his wife and children. To what depths of depravity has he sunk? He seems to have lost all self-respect. How can he look himself in the mirror? Is he the Neanderthal man returned with club in hand and replaced the gentleman?

The concept of a gentleman is easily understood by studying the word: “gentle man.” The gentleman is one who never inflicts pain.

In any circumstance, he seems to know how to act. His manners and knowledge, like his clothing, are worn lightly, never ostentatiously. In company the gentleman never calls attention to himself by flaunting his superiority in learning, behavior, dress or conversation. When he has something of value to say, he says it with calmness and brevity. Even if he is an expert on a subject, he never resorts to showing off.

Gentlemanness or manliness is really about what’s on the inside, not on the outside of a man. The true gentleman feels confident, self-assured, modest and considerate. Don’t confuse true gentlemanness with mere surface polish, flattery and dandyism. The counterfeit gentleman is nothing but surface veneer. He is a man of shallow charm and sophistication. When his real personality suddenly explodes, everybody is shocked.

It is sad to note that as we constantly realign our relationship between men and women, some of the older, finer and gentler concepts seem to be discarded or lost. I lament the loss of chivalry. Few of us ever think about being chivalrous to women. Am I right? When was the last time we practiced respect for the opposite sex? When was the last time we thought about being gentle and manly to women? Can we do without a loving woman to fulfill our needs?

Marcus Aurelius, the great Roman Emperor, in 180 A.D. wrote in his Meditations, “To be moved by passion is not manly, but that mildness and gentleness as they are more agreeable to human nature, so also are they more manly; and he who possesses these qualities possesses strength, nerves and courage, and not the man who is subject to fits of passion and discontent.” When he speaks of “passion” he is of course referring to anger. Thus the man who yields to anger displays a weak character.

It has been proven that violence is a learned behavior and is passed on from generation to generation. It is not caused by alcohol or chemical substance. We also have learned that the abuser has often been abused as a child or lived in a house where he saw violence being done to either his mother or someone else. Thus he is copying what he has seen and considers being right action.

Another sad commentary about men is the unusually large number of children being born out of wedlock. Many young men fail to realize that it is so easy to become a father. But most importantly, they fail to understand the responsibility that goes with being a father. As we look around our society, why do these young men and women so readily submit themselves to parenthood without the ability or desire to accept parenthood? As result many of these relationships end up as domestic abusers to either the mother or to the child. Both parties have never learned the proper respect and conduct with each other.

While I was growing up, I never saw my father raise his voice or his hand to my mother. In fact my father was one of the gentlest men I have ever known. He has been my role model throughout my entire married life and in my relations with all women.

The other night one of my sons came up to me at bedtime and said: “Dad, when you were young, was it is like it is with you and me? You’ll think I’m pretty crazy, but I wish I’d known you when you were little. I mean, about as old as I am right now. I think we would have been friends.” I nodded and slowly closed the door to his room and whispered: “Good night, son.”

There is a wonderful book entitled [I]What is A Man?[/I] It contains over 3,000 years of wisdom on the art of manly virtue edited with commentary by Waller R. Newell. Mr. Newell has complied extracts from most of the greatest thinkers and writers who have written on this subject of “what is a man.” Here is the last paragraph from his book which for me sums up what we who wish practice manliness and be gentlemen must do:

“If the wisdom of the West about manliness contained in this anthology could be summed up in two words, they would be: [B]Love perfects[/B]. It is this very idea that is at the heart of the traditions that have shaped our civilization—and that has well-nigh been lost in the changes our society has seen in the last century. If contemporary man is to regain his sense of purpose, of nobility, of his place in the world, he cannot do better than to look to the past, and to take to heart its lesson about virtue, manliness, and—above all—[B]love[/B].”

The next time we forget manliness and gentleness, let’s do something about it. Let’s put “gentle” back into the word: gentleman.

Please mark this down on your calendar that on Friday, February 13, the National Fatherhood Initiative will be having a march on that date. The NFI’s mission is to improve the well-being of children by increasing the proportion of children growing up with an involved, responsible, and committed father and/or male guardian.

Its strategies are to educate and inspire all fathers and/or male guardians; to equip and engage all fathers and key players on the vital role of fatherhood towards building caring and strong families. Call 664-3751 or 664-2552/8657 for details.

Remember:
[B]“The best gift a father can give to his children is to love their mother. And the best gift the mother can give to her children is to love their father.”[/B]