The betel nut bikini team?

If there is one association that has an air of permanence, it’s “Saipan” and “betel nut.” True, betel nut doesn’t necessarily conjure up images of glamour, at least in my mind. And packaging-wise, it’s a usually a utilitarian proposition, it seems to get the uneasy, semi-vice treatment in a dingy plastic bag instead of hype and slickness.

Contrast that with beer, which is often marketed in ads featuring scantily clad beauties frolicking on a beach. I’ve seen posters for Japanese beers (a beauty in a bikini holding the product) that look like they were shot On Saipan.

And, on the U.S. side of things, in 1991 a TV campaign for Old Milwaukee beer featured the gratuitous gyrations of the “Swedish Bikini Team,” and became a cult hit. They pulled the ads because they were regarded as controversial. You can Google it and, well, there it is.

Still, how on earth can we associate sexiness with beer? A flabby booze-paunch is more a tribute to entropy, and gravity, than to animal magnetism. But the happy, sexy associations are fabricated in more subtle ways; we often see beer depicted at parties (logical enough), and we see attractive people depicted at the parties (also logical enough, depending on who you’re partying with), and, presto, we associate beauty and the booze. OK, maybe that’s not so subtle.

Moving up the scale from beer, some liquor likes to play the elegant sex card. There’s the pretty lady in the slinky dress, with the come hither look burning in her eyes, giving you the once over, and smiling because she recognizes your sophisticated taste in V.S.O.P. Well, all that stuff tastes like paint thinner to me, so I can’t claim to be a legitimate member of their target market.

But even if I liked the stuff, I don’t think that peroxide blondes in silly dresses would have me opening my wallet. But maybe the big idea is that some dark corner of my psyche would subconsciously create a desire for the product, based on the association presented in an advertisement.

While we’re pondering vices, I have to mention cigarettes. Ah, cigarettes. They’re advertised with, yes, sexy images. I’m not complaining about it, but it strikes me as a really goofy association. This one totally escapes me. I can follow the beer = party = sexy girls equation, it’s called “college,” but the emphysema = lust formula leaves me drawing a blank. Maybe they should make ashtray flavored mouthwash, too, so you can capture the thrill of kissing your lover when she’s away in respiratory therapy.

Have you noticed that betel nut is getting short shrift? No sexy product campaigns. It’s not fair. Where’s the sexy lady in high heels?

I’ll tell you where: Taiwan.

Yes, Taiwan has plenty betel nut, and they’re not shy about putting some rally sexy sizzle on the sales. Saucy babes in roadside stands wiggle to and from cars and trucks, vending their betel nut. The first few times I saw this scene, it was just a blur from a car. Fortunately I wound up in some heavy traffic, and was able to observe this commerce from a more stable perspective.

I thought it was delightfully tacky, but I’m sure it would cause many folks from my old hometown to either double up on their meds or vent their spleens in righteous bouts of anger, though these are not mutually exclusive alternatives.

Anyway, for all of Saipan’s sometimes racy reputation for tropical romance, I think Taiwan has stolen our thunder when it comes to the almighty betel nut.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to run out for a snifter of V.S.O.P. I’ll do that on my cigarette break when I’m picking up some beer, and, of course, a bag of betel nut. I don’t know why I have these cravings.