Old ladies, ice cream, and grenade launchers

The SGMA has asked for road courtesy for garment workers, as an obvious result of the mounting toll on pedestrians. When it comes to drivers and pedestrians, I’d say a bit more courtesy all the way around would be nice.

Nobody in Saipan who drives has escaped this blood curdling event: You’re cruising along Middle Road in your trusty rusty, and out of seemingly nowhere, a pedestrian appears like a phantom a foot off your fender. The problem is that drivers assume that not every single body in visual range is going to make a bonzai leap in front of their car. The problem, further, is that such leaps do occur.

Now, I’m not letting irresponsible drivers off the hook on this one. I’d say I’m Saipan’s most visible critic in terms of Middle Road’s dangers.

But we do have a tangled problem with this pedestrian gig. Crosswalks with those blinking lights are a good idea, but a lot of these pedestrians are clueless. There is a rhythm to traffic, an ebb and a flow, and why jump in front of a car when there’s no car behind that car? Wouldn’t it be more optimal (economists love that word) to wait a few seconds, let the driver pass you, and then jump into the crosswalk?

Chalan Kanoa can be a prime example. Instead of sort of bunching up and proceeding across the road in groups, so the drivers can manage to make some progress, we get an ever flowing, ant-like procession of bodies. My solution? I avoid the area entirely at certain times.

The bedrock problem is that non-drivers don’t have a comprehensive picture of what’s going on. Most garment workers don’t spend Sundays in their BMW’s, and I think the whole car thing is a mystery to them. Can’t fault them for that, sometimes I think the whole car thing is a mystery to all of Saipan.

One irksome characteristic of low-rent columnists is their tendency to offer solutions to things they know nothing about, like gossiping old ladies at an ice cream social. I’m no old lady. I don’t even like ice cream. However, if you’ll indulge me this one time, I’m going to offer an idea–just an idea–about a solution the guys in charge of things might want to consider:

Crossing guards.

It is, after all, a public safety issue, and it seems kosher to contemplate having the DPS administer a crossing guard program. Maybe we’d all benefit from it: drivers as well as pedestrians. At peak locations, at peak hours, maybe a crossing guard would be the best solution we can come up with. The solution would only work if the guards had a modicum of judgement and didn’t bring traffic to a screeching halt in a cloud of brake dust every time one lone pedestrian didn’t want to cool her heels for a nanosecond. But I’ve even got an idea along that note, too (I’m a regular little thinking machine today, eh?): Hire guards who have no blemishes on their driving records. Then issue them RPG-7’s, so they can hose a grenade off at any car that fails to yield. I’m thinking maybe the Army Reserve could coordinate with the DPS on this one…heck, I’m pretty handy with grenade launchers, I’ll gladly lend a hand.

Ok, I’ll quit being an old lady about things now…I’ve said my piece. So happy Friday–party on, that’s what I say–just be careful out there on Middle Road. After all, my Armored Personnel Carrier is in the shop for a brake job, my RPG-7 is out getting bore-sighted, and I’m feeling mighty vulnerable out there.

Ed Stephens, Jr. is an economist and columnist for the Saipan Tribune. “Ed4Saipan@yahoo.com”