Tax the pretty

I darned near drove off the road when Mike pointed out a compelling looking tourist, an Asian beauty doing the Garapan strut mid-afternoon with legs so long they reached all the way to…the ground.

“Aye!” Mike exclaimed as the car lurched, “what a safety hazard!”

That beautiful woman is probably a hazard in a lot of ways. There are all sorts of studies about how good looking people compare to the rest of the populace in terms of workplace treatment, income, etc. And, no surprise, the good looking do better. This woman, the road hazard queen, may very well be enjoying a life of subtle privilege that’s denied to her plain counterparts.

Is that fair? Of course not.

So I think we need a government program to punish the pretty. Make a level playing field, that’s what I say. Fairness for all!

The beautiful seem to have a conspiracy going. Quite often, they hang out with each other. A handsome man and a pretty woman wind up with good looking children…and the whole, conspiratorial cabal breeds another generation of unfairly privileged oppressors.

First thing, then, after we get a government commission appointed to look into the problem, I say we establish a “formula for fairness.” Here’s the formula: Any couple must add up, on a scale of zero to 10, to a 10.

For example, if a woman is an eight, she must date a man who is a two. If a man is a six, he must date a four. The only people evenly matched would be fives. Since the premise behind democracy is the all-consuming worship of the average, this is a profoundly worthy plan I’ve got here. The average stay average. The above average get dragged into the gutter. The ones in the gutter get a windfall at the expense of those being dragged down. The modern American way!

We’d also need a quota for things like advertising. Good looking folks generally have the market cornered as models. Is that fair? No way. Perhaps the Americans with Disabilities Act can be invoked to give the aesthetically challenged (AC) jobs in modeling.

And the stripper’s union (NUDE: National Union of Dancers and Entertainers) will be forced to submit detailed quota information on how many AC workers are hired. (For this we’ll need qualified inspectors to audit the clubs…I’ll volunteer for that duty.)

And that’s just the beginning of workplace aesthetic justice. Next we’ll look into…airlines. All those pretty, slender stewardesses…for shame. Something must be done about it. Are they representative of society at large? No, they’re part of the unfairly privileged.

Litigation is also in order. If some cutie doing the Garapan strut is the ultimate cause of a car accident, shouldn’t she be liable? How would she be any less liable for crash injuries than a cigarette company is for cancer in a smoker? Liability is liability, right?

So let’s tax the pretty. Legislate them into the ground. Litigate them ruthlessly. Let’s show them that beauty is only skin deep, and it is no match for the deep and ugly roots of envy.