The Two-Island Bootie Flash

SAIPAN (Gonzo Wire Service)–The cash-strapped Commonwealth Ports Authority (CPA) announced a scheme to “generate a tremendous revenue” by installing parking meters in the Garapan tourism district, and also unveiled plans to install toll booths on the main thoroughfares of Middle Road and Beach Road.

The scheme follows the CPA’s program of charging for automobile parking at Saipan’s sleepy international airport. “The parking fees will pay almost 85 percent of our costs of having parking lot attendants collect the fees,” said a source with the CPA, who also stated “such a visible and irritating pain in the butt for Saipan’s travelers will demonstrate our hands-on management style.”

Meanwhile, costs to install parking meters in the Garapan district were estimated at $250,500, which will be financed via a bond float, according to Johnny Bits, CPA Special Assistant for Parking Meters in Garapan. “A tremendous additional revenues will be generated from fines resulting from expired parking meters,” Bits explained of the so-called “Parking for Prosperity” program.

The CPA is currently embroiled in litigation with the Department of Public Safety over how such fees should be split between the two agencies. The CPA offered a compromise in which it can retain all fees in exchange for allowing DPS vehicles to pass toll-free through the Beach Road and Middle Road toll booths. Said Mr. Bits, “As long as they’re rolling ‘Code-3′, meaning lights and sirens on for a life-threatening emergency, they can fill out a form PFP-99848 at the booth, have it signed by a DPS Lieutenant or higher rank, and then have it notarized by a notary public, and then have it authorized by the CPA Special Assistant for Code-3 Exemptions during normal business hours, and then they can simply pass through without undue delay and without paying a fee.”

Construction on the toll booths, which was financed by a $5,430,000 bond float, is slated to commence in late September.

In related news, the U.S. Navy said it canceled plans for a destroyer, the U.S.S. Blastem, to make a liberty call in Saipan. The Navy is evidently irked over being presented with a $2,366 bill for a CPA per-person port fee levied during the port call of another naval vessel.

Naval Public Affairs Officer Lt. James Bola-Bola stated “What’s the use? There’s no Taco Bell in Saipan anyway, and since Jackie left the Stoplight strip club, our personnel prefer other liberty ports.”

Asked where the U.S.S. Blastem will go for liberty, Lt. Bola-Bola queried “I dunno…where’s Jackie?” He did acknowledge, however, that the sailors were heartened to see that the Navy colors were finally being displayed in Saipan’s Kelly’s bar, which “heretofore had been tainted by the barbaric scourge of the Marine Corps colors being displayed in too prominent of a manner.”

As for Saipan’s airport, where the CPA’s innovative revenue generating efforts started, things continue to develop. Frank Empennage, vice president of operations for Blue Sky Airlines, was reportedly miffed over having to pay $20 in parking fees to keep his car in the lot while he jetted to Guam for a Taco Bell run. As a result, Blue Sky Airlines recently unveiled a “Two Island Bootie Flash” tour package out of Japan. “You fly to Guam, spend three days there, and on the way back home our 757 descends to 4,000 feet and the flight attendants moon Saipan,” said Mr. Empennage. “It’s popular with the tourists, and, best of all: no landing fees!”