$50 million? You poor chump.

Hey, you think YOU’VE got problems?

Saipan’s slump gotcha’ down? Is business slow? The boss won’t give you a raise? Or maybe you don’t even have a job?

Could be worse. You could have made millions in the stock market boom and could be afflicted with–ready for this?– “Affluenza.”

This dreaded disease has reached epidemic proportions in America, striking the kids of families that have financial assets of over $100 million. The disease is so cruel, so crippling, so common, that Merrill Lynch has engaged a team of psychiatrists to council these fortunate unfortunates.

I’m not kidding.

The problem seems to be that some affluent have got their fortunes, but have not been able yet to get a life.

I think most of us are on the other side of that equation. We already have lives, but are lacking the fortunes, and if could just fill that gap, our lives would be a whole lot better. But to have a fortune without a life to begin with, well, I don’t know if that’s a question for economists to solve, psychiatrists to investigate, or, and here’s my vote, for philosophers to puzzle out.

Like all profound thinkers, I get my philosophy from bumper stickers and pop music. There’s a line from a rock song (by the Waitresses): “There’s nothing wrong with me that money can’t cure.” I forgot the title of the song, but that line echoes a lot of our thoughts.

Maybe not all ailments can be cured with money, but what troubles most people in day to day life sure could be cured with money. I’d say a cool $100 million would be a good start.

But a cool $100 million doesn’t put you at the top of the heap, mind you. Merrill’s special services are focused on their clients who have a MINIMUM of $100 million on account. If you’ve only got, say, $50 million to play with, then you’re a dirt bag unworthy of their special services for victims of Affluenza.

Forget all the glitzy plays on high powered investment money, let’s just consider what happened if a hundred mil was parked in boring, stodgy, poky old corporate bonds for, say, an eight percent annual return. This would provide $8 million of yearly income, which comes to $153,846 a week.

Could you get by on $153,846 a week? I could. Quite comfortably, mind you. I could do what I want to do, and wouldn’t have to do what I don’t want to do. What could be better? No “Affluenza” here.

Here in Saipan, though, a lot of us are struggling with ” Asspoorenza.” Some folks are hoping to get back to the states with sufficient fare for a Greyhound bus ticket. One guy recently tried to sell me practically everything he owned, all of it packed into his car, so he could get back to the states. The car was included in the package. Another Suitcase Squad Special Deal. “Leaving Island.”

Yeah, leaving island for a scene where $50 million doesn’t even get you in the door in some places. That’s gotta’ be a culture shock. Culture shock cuts both ways, and a lot of folks who survived one side of the blade only to get financially skinned here now have to face the other side back home.

Ouch. If you’ve got Asspoorenza in the land of Affluenza, it’s got to be a rough gig indeed.