Rules of the Road–Saipan Style

In light of the large number of accidents and near-accidents which happen on our well-designed and brightly-lit roads, this newspaper takes this opportunity to remind all CNMI drivers of the rules of the road—Saipan style.

1. Whenever you are on a four-lane road, you should always drive in the left lane. After all, you never know when the taotaomona is going to jump out at you from the side of the road.

2. Pay no attention to those signs that say “slower traffic keep right”. They don’t apply to you, only to other drivers. After all, you are going “faster”, even if it’s only faster than a karetan guaka. If you’re in the left lane (and you should be—see Rule No. 1) and you see that someone wants to pass you, don’t move over; they can always pass you on the right. Unless the right lane is blocked by other traffic, in which case it’s just tough luck for the other guy. This rule is especially important when you are going up a hill. The taotaomona loves to attack then (again, see Rule No. 1).

3. When you are on a four-lane road and going to make a left turn, you should always get into the left lane at least 1 1⁄2 miles ahead of your turn. Then go as slow as possible, because you wouldn’t want to miss your turn. Of course, if you were following Rule No. 1, you should have been in the left lane in the first place.

4. Even if you are actually in the right lane of a four-lane road—shame on you, see Rule No. 1—it’s OK to make a left turn. The same is true if you are in the left lane and want to make a right turn. Just do it as fast as you can and no one will notice.

5. The nice people who built your car were thoughtful enough to provide you with a turn signal, and you might occasionally think about actually using it when you are going to make a turn. Since you have to slow down or stop before you can make your turn anyway, you can always put your turn signal on then. If you put it on before you slow down or stop, that will only confuse the other drivers around you. What business is it of theirs why you are slowing down or stopped in traffic? Then again, if you use your turn signal too much, the lever might break. At the very least, you will cause that little bulb to burn out and cause unnecessary wear and tear on your battery. Besides, that blinking light on your dashboard is so annoying!

6. When you are entering a four-lane road, you don’t need to stop for oncoming traffic, as long as at least one of the two lanes is open. If you want to go into a lane that’s already occupied by an oncoming car, just go ahead; the oncoming car can easily swerve into the vacant lane. If you want to cross in front of an oncoming car into a vacant lane, that’s OK too; the oncoming car must have good brakes, or it wouldn’t pass inspection, and the odds are at least 50-50 that he can guess what lane you want.

7. Even if traffic is moving at 40 mph, you should always slam on your brakes and stop if you think you see a pedestrian who might want to cross the road sometime that day. Don’t worry, the cars behind you won’t mind at all, even if it’s rush hour, and you certainly don’t want to inconvenience the pedestrians by making them wait until there’s no traffic, or by making them use the crosswalks.

8. When you come to a stop at a traffic light, it is important to stop at least three car lengths behind the car in front of you. That way, if you are rear-ended by a runaway locomotive, you won’t get pushed into the car in front of you. It doesn’t matter if the extra space you leave in front of you causes traffic to back up behind you, like it does every morning at our busy intersections; after all, you’re not the one who’s backed up!

9. When you are going to change lanes, and there is a car approaching in the lane you want to get into, you should always wait until the last minute and cut right in front of the approaching car. That way you can be sure that the other driver will see you.

10. Just because the speed limit is, say, 40 mph doesn’t mean you actually have to go that fast. You are a taxpayer, and you own the road! You have the right to go as slow as you want—35, 30, even 20 mph!

11. Saipan is sometimes a little short on entertainment for kids. We don’t have “thrill rides” like they have at Disneyland or Six Flags. What we do have is kids (sometimes lots of them, without seat belts) riding in the back of pickup trucks. So when a parent or other supposedly responsible adult seems to be driving a little recklessly, please understand that this is only to give the little ones some excitement in their lives.

12. You’re paying a lot—OK, you’re paying exorbitant rates—for your cell phone service. That call you’re making, or taking, while you are behind the wheel is probably an important one. You never know when the Marianas Lottery will call to tell you you’ve won! Pulling over to the side of the road takes too much time—and of course, remember the taotaomona (see Rule N0. 1). So be sure to concentrate on that call while you’re driving down the highway. Other drivers will understand, and will be more than happy to take evasive action if you’re not paying attention.

13. It’s the law! Whenever you see a traffic accident, or a policeman pulling another driver over, you must slow down or stop to take a look, even if it’s on the other side of the road. A long look is usually necessary. It might be your auntie’s third cousin’s brother-in-law!

14. A special rule applies at the Microl Intersection in San Jose, when you are turning right off of Beach Road onto Chalan Msgr. Guerrero. You are absolutely required to stop at the imaginary stop sign, even though you have a dedicated lane of travel. Don’t let the absence of a stop or yield sign fool you! You never know when that car in the other lane will change lanes just to crash into you.

15. When you are on a two-lane road, parking lot, or driveway, remember that you have the right to half of the road. In this country, we usually drive on the right half. But then again, the CNMI is a place that is very tolerant of other people’s customs, so if you want to drive on the left, or even down the middle, it’s perfectly OK. Other traffic will be happy to move over or run off the road for you.

16. No matter what you may have heard, traffic signs and signals are only there as helpful suggestions, not as any sort of legal requirement that you actually have to follow. You don’t really have to stop at a red light, even one with a sign reminding you that you have to do this. So, for example, if the road looks clear, just go; that funny red sign doesn’t really mean “STOP”, and neither does the red light. See Rule 6.

17. If someone were to pass you, that would be a serious affront to your manhood and a grievous insult to your mother (even if she isn’t in the car with you). So speed up, block the passing lane (see Rule No. 2), or do whatever it takes, but no matter what, do not let that other car pass you. You’ve heard the old saying, “Lead, follow, or get out of the way”? Whatever does that mean?

18. Parking. The rule is simple: park wherever you want, however you want. On the road? So what? In a parking lot? Those yellow lines, those cute blue parking spaces, and those “No Parking” signs don’t matter; like other traffic signs and signals, they are only suggestions (see Rule No. 16), and not very helpful ones at that. You can take up two, or even three, parking places, the more the better. No need to pull all the way in to the parking space. The key here is that, no matter how you park, other people will drive around you, even if your vehicle is in the traffic flow. Unless, of course, you’re blocking traffic completely. And most handicapped people really don’t mind having to find a spot and walk a few dozen extra yards; the exercise is good for them! You’ll never know how much you inconvenience anyone, because you won’t be there to see it!

19. That nice mirror hanging from the center of your windshield is just perfect for putting on your makeup or checking to see if you still have little pieces of your lunch in your teeth. It has no other legitimate uses. Don’t ever look at it while you’re driving!

20. Tint your windows as dark as you like. In fact, paint ‘em black if you want! There is absolutely no truth to the commonly held belief that “the darker the window tint, the stupider the driver”. The most important thing is to keep your car looking and feeling cool. The ability to see out at night, and the ability of other drivers to make eye contact with you, is of very little significance. (Michael A. White, Special to the Saipan Tribune)