Previous Story
B-Movies just got worse
|
Posted on Jan 30 2005
I didn’t think it possible, but the video game movie genre has reached an all-time low. Compared to Alone in the Dark, Resident Evil 2 is a freakin masterpiece. This movie is bad. Battlefield Earth bad. Whose idea was it to adapt a movie from an old Atari game, anyway? Should we expect a big screen adaptation of Frogger, or Donkey Kong?
In Alone in the Dark, Christian Slater is a “paranormal investigator” (whatever that is), and Tara Reid is an archaeologist, who I assume is supposed to look smart because she wears glasses. I have a B.A. in Anthropology, and never in my life have I met an archaeologist as fashionably hot and trendy, or incredibly stupid, as Reid’s character in Alone in the Dark. And she’s really good with guns. Yeah, archaeologists love guns. This is insulting.
The duo teams up to investigate a string of missing persons, all linked by the orphanage they grew up in, and some convoluted “plot” involving other-worldly demons and government experiments. In order to get to the bottom of this, they of course have to blow up lots of stuff, and splatter a whole bunch of blood. To call this movie silly would be a compliment.
In Alone in the Dark, every production aspect one could possible think of is of horrible quality. The acting is laughable, as is the direction (Uwe Boll, House of the Dead). The special effects are cheap and sloppy. The action is chaotic, confusing, and mind-numbing. And the music, played deafeningly loud, reminds me of something Mike Myer’s SNL character “Dieter” might listen to. And now, it is time to dance. Would you like to pet my monkey?
To go into any more detail in this movie review would be a terrible waste of ink, and this movie is just not worth it. Alone in the Dark is so horrible that you might possibly have some fun watching it on DVD, but only if you’re with good friends and completely blitzed.
Alone in the Dark; 1:36; R, for violence and language; Grade: F- (Joe Weindl)
