An old form emerges from the shadows

The Amityville Horror; 1:29; R, for violence, disturbing images, language, brief sexuality and drug use; Grade: C

In 1979, The Amityville Horror scared the bejeesus out of a lot of people, and made a lot of money doing so. The 2005 remake should do the same, though it surely will be forgotten in a year or two. The new version is a fairly faithful remake, updated with every horror movie cliché of the last 10 years. It has plenty of jump-out-of-your-seats moments, and for most people in the audience, that’s all you need in a horror movie. But if you’re looking for something fresh, you won’t find it here.

In 1974, Ronald Defeo Jr. killed his wife and children while they slept, then blamed the murders on demons in the house who told him to do it. The defense didn’t work. He still rots in jail. One year later, the recently married Lutz family moved into the house, only to leave 28 days later, telling tales of ghosts and apparitions. All of this is verifiably 100 percent true, but it doesn’t make a good movie, so Hollywood embellishes.

The Hollywood version adds a back story of tortured Native Americans, because that’s how all hauntings were explained in the 70s. It also has Mr. Lutz being driven to insanity by the voices in the house. Every day in the house, Mr. Lutz goes a little battier, and on that fateful 28th day, at 3:15am, you know something’s going down between him and his new wife and stepchildren.

Ryan Reynolds (Blade: Trinity, Van Wilder) plays George Lutz in the remake, though I don’t think he was cast for this role as much as his pecs and abs were. That being said, his transition to crazytown is reasonably convincing.

In The Amityville Horror, director Andrew Douglas decides to buck the PG-13 horror movie trend, splattering the screen with all sorts of blood. The opening prologue, the scariest part of this movie, is enough to earn an R rating all on its own. The opening should not be missed, so if you’re on your way to watch this one, an early arrival is recommended, especially since those popcorn lines always seem to move so fast at Hollywood Theater.

Douglas does not, however, invest any energy in creativity, opting to recycle all of the cheapest tricks in the horror movie book, from moments of silence interrupted by loud bangs, to the more recent trend of creepy little girls with black hair covering their face. And that is why this movie bored me to death. If you’ve seen enough movies, you can read all the cues and know exactly what’s going to happen next in The Amityville Horror.

But movies like this aren’t made for geezers like me; they’re made for a younger crowd who isn’t old enough to have seen a gazillion movies. From this perspective then, the old and tired are fresh and new.

The Amityville Horror has a few laughs, and more than a few scares, and I suppose that’s all anybody really wants in this genre. This remake will not be a classic, or anything close to one, but it’s good enough to pass for entertainment, augmented best by a date in arms, and popcorn in hand.

* * *

April fools

Million Dollar Baby; 2:12; PG-13, for violence, disturbing images, thematic material and language; Grade: A+

Two weeks ago, we ran a review of Million Dollar Baby, because I was told it would be here. Joke was on us. Clint Eastwood’s masterpiece didn’t make it to our island when it was supposed to, but I’m now being told that it’s finally arrived. No really. I mean it this time.

I don’t think we can really reprint the review I wrote, so suffice it to say Million Dollar Baby is deserving of all the hype. This is one great movie, guaranteed to jerk plenty of tears from the audience, both from joy and sorrow. We’re lucky to have it here, and should not miss this rare opportunity to see cinematic greatness at our multiplex.