Happily ever after

Twenty years ago a young Air Force officer was transferred to Dyess Air Base, near Abilene, Texas. Little did he realize that his long-range ambition to fly as a reconnaissance officer in the SR-71 Blackbird would quickly take a backseat after a young Texas belle caught his attention.

Janel and I recently celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary on the 20th of July. It has caused me to reflect on this institution called “marriage,” which has been under attack lately by those who want to change it or do away with it completely.

After learning about statistics that the majority of births on island are from women who are not married, and the high rate of divorce among those who are married, it could make one wonder if marriage is really necessary. Casual sex in casual relationships seems to be the norm and marriage is touted as just a silly commitment on paper that is not needed in this “enlightened” era—so the question begs: “Is marriage really important?”

After 20 years, I would answer that it is more critical now than it has ever been. Young people who watch too many movies or believe what is written in romance publications have a distorted understanding of the true nature and purpose of marriage. They may believe that if they are really in love with the right person that they can still live “happily ever after” without being married.

I once asked Janel why she felt our marriage was so good, and she quickly responded: “Because we are one in purpose.” It was true. Through the years, we had grown together to become one in our values, raising our children, and taking care of temporal needs. We understood and supported each other in our various activities so that we could accomplish them to the best of our ability.

Marriage can act as a refiner’s fire to make one a better person as a couple, than one can become alone. When properly done, this process prepares a couple to experience a greater degree of marital oneness. Those who do not make the commitment to another person to stay together “for better or worse” can rationalize their current inconveniences and abrogate the very process that can stretch them to experience the intimate connection available between a husband and wife. Many times one’s greatest progress comes after experiencing great challenges that are faced together.

Imagine the challenge a couple faces after the blind state of romantic attraction wanes, and two imperfect people from differing backgrounds, education, needs and desires tackle the adventure of coming together as one emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

Some have entered this great adventure of marriage, but seem to have gotten lost in the mundane activities that life throws at us and they feel stuck. One solution that about half of married couples choose to take is to exit this drama and either decide to look for another partner, or not make that mistake again.

Some check out emotionally, and only go through the motions of marriage like an actor on stage going through their lines. The “audience” thinks that the “play” is going well, while inside the pain that caused the emotional separation is sometimes unbearable.

While much can be done individually to better ourselves in many ways, two people who are committed to the vulnerable and intimate relationship of marriage have opportunities to grow in ways that are not available any other way. Marriage has the potential to achieve wholeness that can smooth off our rough edges and help us realize our authentic self. A marriage filled with love and trust allows us to become whole while becoming one with our spouse.

We believe that marriage is a divine institution that has been a blessing in our lives. It must be preserved, sanctified, and esteemed as a special commitment that those who truly love each other desire to make. Here are three questions you can ask about your marriage each day: 1) Have I expressed my appreciation for all the big and little things my spouse does for me? 2) Have I apologized to my spouse concerning any matter that may have caused offense? 3) Have I expressed my love today, and did my spouse feel that love?

“Happily ever after” is possible in marriage if couples are willing to do whatever it takes to create that state. It is through the refiner’s fire, which we call marriage, that the yearning for wholeness and intimate connection can be fulfilled.

Nothing can compare to the peace, joy, and love available in a marriage where a couple has achieved oneness through total trust and selflessness. My love for Janel is even greater today than it was 20 years ago, and I look forward to the grand adventure I will have during the next 20 years with my bride.

(Rik is a business instructor at NMC and Janel is the owner of Positively Outrageous Results. They can be contacted at: biz_results@yahoo.com)