Sometimes it’s better to laugh

During the past few weeks so much stupidity has been happening concerning CUC. The Governor wants to sue the United States. Gas prices are escalating daily. Food costs have skyrocketed. Ouch! Punch! Another punch! Therefore this morning I have decided not to write about the serious problems we are having. My father used to tell me when problems get big and serious, it’s time to step back and laugh a bit. So let’s be silly this morning. It is better than crying. I hope you enjoy some humor as we limp through the day.

[B]A. Actual written school excuses given to teachers by students’ parents:[/B]

1. My son is under the doctor’s care and should not take fizial ed. Please execute him.

2. Please excuse Blance from jim today. She is administrating.

3. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, also 33.

4. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.

5. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

6. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah (crossed out), diahoah (crossed out), dyah (crossed out) the shits.

[B]B. Actual bumper stickers observed on cars:[/B]

1. 1.Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.

2. Do not tailgate. Or I will flick a Booger on your Windshield.

3. Fight crime. Shoot back.

4. End racism…Kill everyone.

5. Crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

6. Join the Army: Visit exotic places, meet interesting people and then kill them.

7. Jesus is coming, look busy.

[B]C. Actual excerpts from student science exam papers:[/B]

1. Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.

2. Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

3. For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.

4. For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

5. When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.

6. It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.

[B]D. How’s this for quick thinking:[/B]

Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital) and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

“Mr. Smith, you’re going to be fine,” said the nun. “We need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”

“No, I’m not,” replied the man hoarsely.

“Then can you pay in cash?” persisted the nun.

“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.”

“Well, do you have any close relatives?”

“Just my sister in New Mexico. But she is a humble spinster nun.”

“ Oh, I must correct you. Nuns are not spinsters—they are married to God.”

“Wonderful,” said Mr. Smith. “In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law!”

[B]E. Flashback to 1908—100 years ago—what was life like:[/B]

a. Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.

b. Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

c. There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved road.

d. The maximum speed in most cities was 10 mph.

e. The average wage in 1908 was 22 cents per hour.

f. The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

g. A dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year.

h. More than 95 percent of the births took place at HOME.

i. Ninety percent of all doctors had no college education! Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and the government as substandard.

j. Sugar cost 4 cents a pound.

k. Eggs were 14 cents a dozen.

l. Coffee was 15 cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

m. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

n. Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstore.

Imagine what life will be like in another 100 years!

***
I hope you are enjoying the above little titbits. But I have to become serious for a minute because what you will read below is very important. It is not a joke, but a genuine offer. There is a ray of hope for correcting the CUC fiasco. Read this and think about it. Be sure to ask the government about its decision.

I have in my possession information from a reputable mainland bank that is willing to finance the purchase of a 15-megawatt Caterpillar plant for $10 million. The CNMI will own it. This is not a lease like the Aggreko deal! This bank will finance $8.5 million of it at $80,000 per month. The interest rate is a fixed 5 percent per year. That is a savings of over $424,000 per month over the Aggreko deal! The Aggreko deal has no warranty. The Caterpillar has a full warranty. The Aggreko lease starts to charge the CNMI the minute the unit leaves their facility, not when it starts making electricity (like most leases). And the best part is that the CNMI can use CIP funds for the $1.5 million down payment on the Caterpillar unit—because the CNMI will OWN IT! Not lease it.

Here is a direct quote from the information I possess:

“We [the bank] can do a 48.2 MW new power plant for approximately $35,000,000. Add the Caterpillar 15MW, and you have a 63.2 MW new plant. …So we can do the 15 MW Caterpillar loan now, so the plant is up to speed, and start to work on the complete replacement plant, which can be ready in about 6 months.” (italics are mine)

There is more to this offer. A 5-megawatt waste-to-energy plant can be included which will burn all our trash, converting it into energy with no harmful emissions and uses no fuel! It is EPA-approved. With this we can eliminate the need for landfills on the three islands. It will even burn existing waste already in the landfill. Does this sound too good to be true? Well, the bank people will be here on island next week to present this offer to the government. Watch for more details.

But the greatest part of all this is that the loan from this bank will be guaranteed by the U.S. government. This bank has been thoroughly checked out and is totally legitimate. Please ask our government what is happening to this deal.

It was offered back in January but refused. Now there seems to be a change of heart. To learn more about this, contact some of the legislators to whom I have passed this information.

As has been repeatedly stated by others and me, there is genuine help waiting to solve our problems if only we show willingness and reach out for help to the right people. Please watch what happens to this offer. I know I will be.

Have a great day and may the good fairy sprinkle some magic dust on your day to make you smile while enjoying our blue sky with its radiant sun.