Strengthening your marriage

By David Khorram, MD

My spouse and I have been happily married for several years, but recently we argue a lot. We’re not comfortable with counseling, even though we’ve thought about it. We feel stuck. What can we do?

The situation you describe is very common. Couples often go through difficult times. It can be a challenge to preserve a marriage. But the struggles you face can actually strengthen the marriage, making it an instrument that serves each of you and the community around you.

For those like yourself, who are uncomfortable seeking professional counseling (and even for those who are), there is a wonderful option available right here in the Marianas. That option is Marriage Encounter. It is for couples like yourselves, who may be struggling a bit, or for couples who just want to strengthen their marriage. The local Marriage Encounter group is part of a worldwide grassroots effort to strengthen marriages. We had heard about it for years, and last year, my wife, Mara, and I went through a Marriage Encounter Weekend. Let me tell you what led us to Marriage Encounter, and what the weekend was like.

For some time, we had found ourselves in a situation like yours. We had been married for nine years. We have loved each other deeply. We also have a strong friendship. But for one or two years, things had gotten difficult. We found ourselves arguing more often, hurting each other’s feelings, feeling unloved or smothered, and even a bit hopeless at times. We wondered if we would ever find a way to make things better. It was pretty rough on some days. We thought a lot about counseling. We read books. We prayed. We struggled. Overall, we felt stuck.

Then, about a year ago, some of our friends, Ericka and Sean Frink, and Clarie and Rex Kosack, invited us to participate in a Marriage Encounter Weekend. They gave us a brochure, and we read that “Marriage Encounter is designed to give married couples the opportunity to examine their lives together…a time to share their feelings, their hopes, disappointments, joys and frustrations…and to do so openly and honestly in a face-to-face, heart-to-heart encounter with the one person they have chosen to live with for the rest of their life.” At the time, it sounded a bit scary, and we were reluctant to go. After all, we weren’t doing so well communicating about these feelings at home. We’re also pretty private people, and we didn’t feel comfortable sharing these things with a group of people. As our friends told us more about it, we learned that during the weekend you don’t share anything with anyone other than your spouse. Our friends told us about how much Marriage Encounter had helped their marriages, and how it had given them knowledge and spiritual insights and skills to strengthen the bond between them and to work through their difficulties. With their encouragement, we signed up—still a little reluctant, and not quite convinced.

What is the Marriage Encounter Weekend like? Well, for us, it far exceeded our expectations. It was one of the most important things we have done, and it jumpstarted our progress. The weekend is not “counseling.” Like our friends had told us, you don’t have to share anything with anyone, and no one will try to analyze your problems or even make suggestions. The weekend is primarily a time for you and your spouse to reconnect and to explore various areas of your marriage. It is also a time to learn some very important skills—particularly communication skills—that helped us a lot.

During the weekend, you and the other couples come together and hear presentations on various topics. After each presentation, the husband and wife are given time to have their own personal discussion in the privacy of their own room. In this way, your privacy is respected. The presentations are on topics that affect all of our marriages.

Typically, there are three couples who serve as presenters, along with a member of the clergy. There was genuine warmth and humor that came from all of them, and we gained a lot of insight just by hearing these courageous individuals share their stories. It was very real.

The weekend is wonderful, and it is really just a start. For Mara and me, the most powerful experience came during the next few months, as we joined four other couples about every two weeks, to go through “Steps Along the Journey.” These evenings are dedicated to reinforcing the themes and concepts of the Marriage Encounter Weekend. Our weekend was enhanced a thousand-fold by going through these “Steps”, and this is where we came to profoundly understand the concepts of the weekend. Over the weeks that we met, we began to practice new skills each day, and to form new habits. At the evenings we listened to our facilitators present the topics, and then we all discussed them. Again, no one had to share anything at all, unless they wanted to. After a few weeks we had gotten to know everyone so well, and to trust each other so deeply, that everyone was sharing. After completing “Steps” we then gathered for four more evenings of “Steeper Steps,” which explored challenging areas like anger and forgiveness.

Everyone gets something different out of experiences like Marriage Encounter, and a lot depends on how much each of us is willing to work on our own personal change. What did Mara and I get out of it all? Over a period of several months we learned about pitfalls to avoid in communicating. We gained important listening skills. We deepened our intimacy, and began to leave our fears behind. We definitely became “un-stuck.” It has been a new beginning. The Marriage Encounter Weekend was, without question, the most important weekend of our marriage. And the “Steps” and “Steeper Steps” were transformative. We appreciate that the whole focus of Marriage Encounter is on making things better—on strengthening and improving the relationship. It is about moving forward, on deepening your love and on reconnecting to your core values.

What does all of this cost? Well, how does one put value on improving a marriage? Wouldn’t you give anything to make things better? The beauty of Marriage Encounter is that it works though a community of dedicated volunteers. Cost is not a hindrance. The registration fee for the Marriage Encounter Weekend, including the hotel and food, is only $50. At the end of the weekend you are encouraged to make an anonymous contribution of any amount. But for those who cannot, it is still, only $50. “Steps Along the Journey,” and “Steeper Steps” don’t cost anything. They are a gift of love from the facilitators. But you do need to go to a Marriage Encounter Weekend first, in order to participate in the “Steps.”

So, for anyone who yearns to strengthen their marriage, “Marriage Encounter” is a powerful, fun, positive and valuable option to consider. We recommend it to all our friends. On Saipan, the weekends are typically held once a year. There is one scheduled for Nov. 19-21. It will be held at the Riviera Hotel. You may call Clarie at 322-8800 to register. Space is limited, and it’s an experience you won’t want to pass up.

(David Khorram, MD is a board certified physician, public speaker, and a Life and Style columnist for the Saipan Tribune. Questions and comments are welcome. Email davidkhorram@hotmail.com. Copyright © 2004 David Khorram. )