Stop the press—sequel not as good as original

The Ring 2; 1:51; PG-13, for violence/horror, thematic elements and some language; Grade: D+

The Ring 2 isn’t as good as The Ring. That’s odd because horror movies usually get better with every new installment. The first Ring has its moments, but is highly overrated. The second movie has a moment. A single, psycho-Bambi moment, lost amidst a sea of horror-movie gobbledygook.

If you didn’t see the first movie, then you’re probably either above the age of 20, or a very smart person. But maybe you heard good things about it, making you want to watch the second one, so let’s get you up to speed. Samara is a mean little girl who kills people by forcing them to make that funny face one too many times, so that they die looking like Elephant Man. Somehow, she does this with a VHS tape and wet floors. Don’t ask.

Lead actress Naomi Watts (21 grams) reprises her role as Rachel in The Ring 2. Wanting to spend more time with her son, she leaves her job as a reporter in Seattle, moving to Small-town, Oregon, to take a job as the editor for Astoria’s daily paper. Apparently, small-town newspaper editors have all the time in the world, and absolutely never work in the afternoons or evenings. Wonder what my boss would think of that.

Samara and her wicked VHS tape follow Rachel to Astoria, but in The Ring 2, she’s no longer satisfied with merely killing people—now she’s got a Pinocchio complex. If only she were a real boy. Turns out that all Samara ever wanted was a big hug. A manicure and a haircut wouldn’t hurt either.

But does Rachel give Samara a hug? Of course not. That wouldn’t allow Rachel to say a really cheesy one-liner at the climactic finale, and it would make The Ring 3 a little more convoluted. Oh, you didn’t know about The Ring 3? I’m sure there’ll be one, followed by Samara Goes to Hell, and eventually, Samara vs. Freddy.

Speaking of convoluted, that would be an accurate description of the plot in The Ring 2. The first Ring was fairly straightforward. Watch tape, die later. Simple. Screenwriter Ehren Kruger (Scream 3, The Ring) seems to be making up the rules as he goes along in The Ring 2. Samara, for unexplained reasons, is nearly omnipotent and omniscient, but she can’t see you in your sleep. And Samara’s not really the bad guy—she was possessed, or something like that, and the only way to beat the possession is by blah blah blah, yadda yadda—oh, would you just shut up and kill someone already?!

And what happened to the good-ol’ days when horror movies were scary because some crazy guy would walk around chopping people’s heads off any time they thought of having sex? Those days died when studio execs realized there was more money to be made with a PG-13 movie.

So, instead of being particularly “scary,” The Ring 2 is supposed to be “creepy,” whatever that means. Instead of brain-chomping zombies, we get puddles of water, and a villain indistinguishable from any Marilyn Manson fan. Michael Myers staring at Jamie Lee Curtis through her bedroom window—that’s creepy. Puddles of water? Not so much.

I have to admit—I did have at least a tad bit of fun watching The Ring 2, but my personal enjoyment had very little to do with the movie, and everything to do with the people in the seats around me. The only way to watch a movie like this is in a crowded theater, with a bunch of kids who like to yell at the screen. “Look out! She’s right behind you!” “Drive, lady. Drive!” “Aaagghhhh!”

Ahh, teenagers. Can’t say they don’t know how to have fun.