Have a merry ESE-M97B44-A

I have added yet another vehicle to the inventory of rolling relics that populate my driveway. This happened right before Thanksgiving. I consequently spent most of the holiday with my head under the hood.

Have you ever tried to change funky power steering fluid using a turkey baster? It’s not a procedure I recommend. However, if you ate with us on the big day, please overlook the strange taste of the turkey. And do consider the bright side: Your insides are guaranteed to be rust-free for three years or 36,000 miles.

So, yeah, I’m going to talk about this fluid thing today. Cars are expensive. The better we take care of them the happier our wallets will be.

Unfortunately, automotive fluids have become a swirling galaxy of specifications, compatibility, non-compatibility, and questionable compatibility. It’s enough to make a guy go Full Cranky sometimes, and you should never go Full Cranky.

For some perspective, let’s rewind back to the old days. You know, the normal days, back when one jug of green coolant in the garage serviced anything that had a steering wheel and an eight-track. Perhaps some esoteric cars used esoteric stuff, but I don’t recall any common cars that did.

Modern times, by contrast, delineate at least four different specifications of coolant that I’m aware of. There are surely many more that I haven’t yet encountered. I have to keep three jugs of different types of coolant in the garage to cover my cars.

You may ask if there are generic, use-in-any-vehicle concoctions being sold.

Yes, there are.

However, I have no way of ascertaining if they really work. I’m not a chemist. I’m just a slob with old cars. I go by the manufacturer’s book, not the marketing copy on some jug at the convenience store.

So, hey, buddy, can you spare some ESE-M97B44-A?

Having adddressed that realm, we can now contemplate the array of motor oils out there. This isn’t for the faint of heart.

On this note, the great conventional-vs-synthetic schism has been around for a long time. We can’t consider that issue a new wrinkle. Meanwhile, though, super-lightweight oils got popular. When I first saw a viscosity rating of zero I thought it was a typo. It wasn’t. One of my cars specifies 0W-40 synthetic. Another specifies 0W-20. The others specify 5W-30.

One issue of contention in my circles is whether or not it’s advisable to switch to a synthetic if the vehicle used to run with conventional oil. My pals and I have been arguing about this for about 20 years now. It’s a holiday tradition.

The conventional vs. synthetic distinction, I’ll note, isn’t confined to engine oil. It also applies to gear oil, as I found when I was trying to have a differential serviced. Some shops will just use what’s closest to their elbow instead of looking up the correct specification. I’m not willing to engage in a Socratic debate with some dude when I’m standing under a lube rack. It’s better to be armed with the right specifications in writing.

Well, I could go on and on. If you were sitting here with me, I’d do just that. You’re lucky that you’re not, because I haven’t even mentioned transmission fluid yet. Egads, that really gets me going.

Anyway, I can no longer keep this stuff straight in my head.

That’s the problem. What’s the solution?

Mine is to compile a quick-reference, one-page document that has this data for all of our cars. It also has the specs for my preferred brands of air oil filters and air filters. On the filter note you really have to be careful. At least one of the big names that I used to trust has turned into total garbage. I keep an eye out for sales and then stock up on the good stuff when it’s marked down.

Speaking of prices, according to Cars.com, the average price of a new car was $31,400 in the first quarter of 2017.

I’ve seen some cars last over 400,000 miles (although not on Saipan, where corrosion is a silent killer) and I’ve seen others that have degenerated into smoke-belching jalopies by the time they hit 70,000. If you ponder this variance in longevity in the context of the cost of a new car, well, you can draw your own conclusions.

Something else I’ve seen is that power steering fluid is the same color as cranberry sauce.

Coincidence? I think not.