Secondhand pee (II)

I’ve always known that my sense of humor at times is so subtle as to be obtuse. I was reminded of this by the feedback I received on my column on secondhand pee. Two general categories of responses to Secondhand pee came in: those who loved the column and thought it was a hilarious commentary on secondhand smoke (about 10 percent); and those who thanked me for informing them that certain pools have peeing-sections, noting that from now on they would be careful about where they swim (about 90 percent). So, I need to set the record straight. There are no pools with peeing sections. Tourists have no particular penchant for peeing in pools. The column was in fact about secondhand smoke. It started with the quotation, “Having a smoking area in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool,” which established the context of everything else that followed. Because it is a ridiculous idea that a pool would have a peeing section, it is equally ridiculous for a restaurant to have a smoking section. Some apparently small number of people got the joke of the column because of the very absurdity of presenting a serious argument against peeing in the pool highlights the equally absurd notion that we consider it remotely okay to smoke in a restaurant. I was hoping to capitalize on this absurdity. I do admit that my wife Mara warned me that I was being too subtle.

So, here is the column again. Any time you see “pee” think “smoke”, and when you see “swimming pool”, think “restaurant.” I’ll probably have to permanently cap my comedic pen. It’s never a good sign when you have to explain your jokes before even telling them, just so more people will recognize the punch line. Ah, the unhappy perils of having a twisted sense of humor! Let me know if it’s any better the second time around.

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Before I start let me say that I hope I won’t terribly offend your sensibilities by what follows. My hope is to shed a light on a subject that should be obvious, but seems to have gotten obscured by a lot of smoke. Sometimes you gotta take a chance to help people see things from a new perspective. Here goes.

“Having a smoking area in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.”

It’s a pity that swimming pools here have not instituted a non-peeing policy. Health officials are now considering the idea of banning peeing completely from public places. Over the past few years government offices have gradually adopted and implemented a policy of peeing only in designated areas. I do hope that our islands’ businesses soon voluntarily adopt policies that ban peeing from all public places, including swimming pools.

The issue of peeing in swimming pools is a touchy one. The argument has been presented many times that by banning peeing from swimming pools, our tourist will be upset. The practice is common in their home countries, so the argument goes, and if we implement a non-peeing policy, our tourism will be adversely affected. After all, a nice relaxing pee along with a cup of coffee after a swim is an integral part of the swim. How can you possibly enjoy a swim when you’re denied the pleasure of peeing in the pool afterwards?!

In reality, tourists know that they are in a foreign land and are prepared to suffer all kinds of inconveniences, like using weird looking money, hearing strange accents, and even being denied the pleasure of peeing in a foreign pool. If they’ve traveled before, they expect that here too, the swimming pools will be “pee-free” and that pools will not have a special peeing section.

For years, those who have not been inclined to pee in the pool—the “non-pee-ers”—have been working to enlighten folks about their perspective. They have argued that peeing in the pool just isn’t a nice thing to do. It’s, well, somewhat foul. You go into a pool expecting a nice swim, and leave tainted by secondhand pee. People simply don’t like being exposed to secondhand pee. But recent scientific data has shed new light on this subject. The issue isn’t just that exposure to secondhand pee is unpleasant. It’s downright dangerous. Studies have shown (not surprisingly) that secondhand pee is a risk factor for all kinds of diseases. It increases cancer, heart disease, and a variety of other problems, especially in children who are exposed to secondhand pee.

Banning peeing from public places, particularly swimming pools, is not an issue of restricting the rights of pee-ers or of stepping on the toes of our tourists. It’s a matter of common sense and good health, backed by real scientific data. Secondhand pee is bad, not just unpleasant. I do hope that if you are a swimming pool owner, you don’t wait for official policy to remove the peeing section from your establishment. Make your restaurant smoke-free … er, I mean, your swimming pool pee-free. After all, where would you rather swim?

(David Khorram, MD is a board-certified ophthalmologist and the medical director of Marianas Eye Institute. Comments and questions are welcome. Call 235-9090 or contact Dr. Khorram through www.MarianasEye.com. © David Khorram, 2006)