TV ‘n’ AG

[B]UNCable TV[/B]

There have been several public complaints about cable TV lately and nearly every conversation within earshot of a TV set quickly becomes a carping session about the poor quality product available here on Saipan. Here is the best suggestion for the bad service, out-of-date programming and poor quality visual product: Cancel the service. I got fed up about a year and a half ago and have been living happily without them ever since. Many others have done the same.

Stop complaining, as it will do you no good. They have a monopoly and could care less about your individual needs, or desires. Just go up on your roof with a pair of pliers and remove the cable from your house. Then call them and tell them to come and get it off your property. You will be much happier and in a few weeks the habit will be broken and you will not even miss the outdated shows twitching and pixilating across the screen. If you must, go see the local news at a friend’s house dumb enough to keep paying for the bad service.

Mow the lawn, stare into space, bite your fingernails…any of the above will be an improvement over spending time on the poor offerings of the local cable company. Better yet, read a book, talk to your family, do some long postponed household chores, take a self-improvement class. You will be amazed at how much more usable time you have when you “just say no” to television.

You can pretend you are in the First World and have “cable programming” or you can accept the reality of a shell game where you are charged as if you were receiving full, first-class service, but in fact receive [I]squat[/I]. And don’t even get me started on the grossly exaggerated claims for their “high-speed” Internet connection. Bah, humbug.

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[B]While we are on a utility rant[/B]

Has anyone been able to get CUC to tell him or her the formula for computing a utility security deposit? It seems to vary from person to person and from time to time. I suppose it depends on how the customer service person feels that day. Fifty bucks if she just got a raise, $200 if her kid is sick today and a $500 deposit if she just got [I]her[/I] electric bill!

One more point. Does anyone remember that last year CUC decided to take the money they had stashed in the Guam bank customer deposit trust account and spent it on fuel? I believe it started to be used as collateral for a loan and was then just spent outright. Meaning that the deposit you gave to CUC doesn’t really exist. Hope they have the money to repay you when the time comes. Especially if they have privatized by then.

In most locales where the utility is a monopoly, there is a Utility Commission that regulates such things. Usually the electric company and phone company are required to refund your deposit after one year of on-time bill paying and are further required to pay you interest on the money they “borrowed” from you in the form of a deposit. There are a lot of other good reasons to have an unbiased third party utility watchdog organization like controlling rates and fees, etc. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. Sometimes the commission itself becomes so corrupt that not much is accomplished other than self-interest. Remember there is a lot of money at stake here. So once formed, we will probably need someone to watch the watchdogs, too.

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[B]Here is how it [I]really[/I] works[/B]

The Attorney General wants to make a case. He has a fairly good start and wants to cement his chances. He takes his witnesses, foreign nonresident workers all, and makes them an offer. Should they decide to testify for the government, they will receive free housing, paid for by you and me (the CNMI government signs the check) they will get all their expenses paid (food, clothing, whatever they want), again the CNMI pays the tab—meaning you and me. Sounds cushy? How about free transportation? Free utilities? Anything else you can think of? Well yeah.

Now a job is sought and supplied, but wait…the immigration laws prohibit this freebie job perk. No problem, the AG pulls some strings and will just change the rules a bit. Okay, all you witnesses are now IRs (Immediate Relatives). Maybe no one will notice that you are not really related to anyone in America. Maybe no one in the U.S. will notice that the sacrosanct status of IR, so hard to come by under normal circumstances, has been subverted in order to gain a conviction in a case that the AG wants really badly. After all, he says, we will all be better off when he gets his conviction. Well, some folks will sure as heck be better off. Some others might have a different viewpoint. Some might even say that the AG has swayed the witnesses unfairly. Some might even say he has gone well beyond the reasonable bounds of prosecution. Some might even say he has influenced the witnesses in a way that makes it very difficult for them to be subjective in their testimony. Some may go as far as to say this is a case of inappropriate official influence.

Without disclosing which case involving young, impressionable girls, forced out of their previously overprotective environment, we are talking about, I will ask you to guess which company the AG is after in this one. Which set of circumstances does he want to “make an example” of? In what way does this test case make points for his superiors? Is there an agenda that is being furthered? What lesson are we simple citizens supposed to learn? Are we to infer that the Judicial Department is easily influenced by this kind of strong-arm tactics and will play the game as they are asked to by the Attorney General? Or have they also been left in the dark? Is this a mockery of the justice system? Will anyone see through all the chaff to the kernel of truth?

If all goes well, these girls will be in hog heaven. If something slips and no conviction happens, they will be dropped like a half-breed Cherokee brother-in-law at a New England Puritan family picnic. Hi, I’m from the government and I’m here to help you.

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[B]Quote of the Week:[/B] By the age of six the average child will have completed the basic American education. … From television, the child will have learned how to pick a lock, commit a fairly elaborate bank holdup, prevent wetness all day long, get the laundry twice as white, and kill people with a variety of sophisticated armaments.
—Russell Baker, columnist and author (1925- )

[I](Bruce A. Bateman writes Sour Grapes when the moon is full and the mood strikes. Stay tuned for each exciting episode. “Yes, he is opinionated.” bbateman@pticom.com.)
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