Dating advice from a business consultant

[I]The only way to take control of your life, raise your standard of living and move beyond merely surviving is to create your own unique product or service that you offer to increasing numbers of people in exchange for the things of value that you desire. This simple formula applies to countries as well as people. A self-sufficient economy has its own products or services of value to export to the world. Similarly, a self-sufficient individual has something of value to exchange in the global marketplace. That thing of value is based on your natural talent, skill, or interest—in other words, your passion![/I]

So let’s get to the point. How’s your love life?

Let’s face it. Most everyone wants a little companionship, someone to relate to, or maybe just a warm body to connect with every now and then. And if you don’t have that already, how’s your quest or wait working out? Need some advice? Never fear. Your local Saipanpreneur coach is here.

OK, I know what you’re thinking. But who better than a goal-driven, task-oriented, get-it-done coach to help you achieve the goal of finding that special someone. The goal here, as I see it, is to make a connection, and foster a mutually satisfying interaction with someone you find adequately appealing. (That’s business-speak for finding a date.)

Today’s advice can be used by anyone, but was written with a particular group in mind: transplants from the states partnering with people from this side of the world. If you’re not originally from this region, then it’s important to accept that things are different here. The roles are different. The expectations are different, and thus partnering up with someone for love and romance may require a little remedial training. Here are a few suggestions for first being, and then finding that special someone. It doesn’t matter whether your intended partner is from Korea, China, Thailand, Japan, Russia or the Philippines. There are some universal truths that transcend all.

[B]Decide[/B]

Step one: decide. In many respects, this will be an entirely different game than one you’re used to playing. So, you’ll have to really decide if you want to play. Decide if you’re willing to see things differently, feel things differently, act differently and have different expectations. If you’ve come here looking for what you had back home, you may be disappointed. Remember, the only reason we are ever unhappy in life is because we have expectations that are not in alignment with reality. Decide. Are you in or are you out?

[B]Identify your Niche[/B]

The eclectic mix of cultures and nationalities here can be overwhelming, but it can offer a unique opportunity to discover what you truly like and look for in another person. Don’t be disappointed if you just can’t seem to hit it off with members of a particular group.

While the American flag may wave here, implying the melting pot concept, it is still really more of a salad, where individual elements still retain their identity and flavor. Unlike the melting pot in the states, most people here are still very much connected to their cultures, nationalities and world views.

What this means is, you might find that your own personality, culture and world view make you more compatible with one group than with another. Sure, we’d all like to think we’re worldly, and indeed many of us visitors and vagabonds who find ourselves here are more open-minded than most. However, there are elements of how we see ourselves, our relationships, and the world at large that we may want reflected in our partners. In simpler words, you may find that you’re more compatible with Japanese than with Koreans, Chinese more than Thai, etc. It’s neither good nor bad. It may just be a reality of life.

[B]Fish where the Fish you Favor Frequent[/B]

It just makes sense. You may need to adjust where you do your hunt—er, I mean hanging out, if you want a certain type of prey, er, I mean person. Cultural norms, interests, mobility and geographic limitations can all influence where you should and what you’ll find when you cast your pole in the waters! San Antonio? Managaha? Garapan? Club V? Decisions. Decisions.

[B]Respect the Culture[/B]

I’ll re-phrase it this way: Eliminate notions of cultural superiority. You and your partner are free to choose—as equals—which, if any, of your respective cultures and languages will dominate, but there’s no reason why one, English, or Western culture, for example is more preferred than another. You—the English speaker—and your Japanese-speaking partner may just as easily decide to speak Japanese to each other, which would put you on the learning end of this cultural exchange program. Don’t be a cultural snob.

[B]Learn the Language[/B]

Once you determine which niche you want to specialize in, (of course, all the while being open to that special magic and chemistry that transcends all boundaries), the next step is to learn the language.

Seems simple enough advice, but you’d be surprised how many guys opt to pass simply because the girl of their dreams doesn’t speak English.

On the other side of the room, women may be afraid to make eye contact or break the ice simply because they are petrified of what comes next: the speaking! They may feel very insecure about their lack of ability to speak English, and so keep themselves hidden and unapproachable. Your job, especially if you’re the male in this game, is to learn a few words in the tongue of your niche of choice to help things along. “Hello,” “How are you?” What is your name?” “My name is ________.” are good places to start.

And, with the host of free learning sites online, (Chinesepod.com, Englishpod.com, Japanesepod101.com, et. al.) there’s no excuse!

Sure, dictionaries, electronic translators and translating chaperones may be a bit more energy than you’ve had to invest in the past, but, hey this is a different game, after all.

And language doesn’t just mean spoken or written. There is a whole new set of nonverbal communication skills that comprise the languages you may have to learn. Speaking of which….

[B]Find Different Ways to Communicate[/B]

For many, perhaps especially writers and intellectuals, language is a comfort zone where emotions and feelings remain unexpressed and underexposed behind protective walls of words.

I’ve found that the most liberating thing about cross-cultural relationships is discovering how to reach common grounds of understanding and acceptance without the burden of language. Without a bevy of words to cloud the issues, you can get to the bottom line in your communications much more quickly. Without linguistic nuances and shades of meaning that often color our thoughts, we find ways other than words to communicate. Think about it. (Take the preceding paragraph, for example. I just went through a plethora of words to communicate a sentiment that, in person, might be accomplished by simply holding hands.)

Experts say people vary in the ways they express love, and the ways they wish another’s love to be expressed. Some like to be shown, some like to be touched, some like to be told.

Without the familiar words of a common vocabulary, you and your partner may be forced to express your attraction, your interest and love in different modalities than you’re used to. Awkward at first, perhaps. But a fun adventure too, if you do it right!

[B]Have Fun[/B]

Above all, this adventure into the amorous should be fun! Use it as an opportunity to learn about yourself and others. Discover what’s important. Develop a new level of tolerance and acceptance.

Remember, in the search for romance and passion, it’s more important to BE that special someone, before you can FIND that special someone. In following these tips and opening yourself up to new ways of being with a new set of perceptions, expectations, tolerances and boundaries, you become the person others will be attracted to.

[B]Compatibility Quiz[/B]

And speaking of fun, here’s a little quiz you can take with your significant other (if language allows), to find just how compatible the two of you really are. It’s been said that it isn’t ethnicity, language, culture or religion that makes two people ultimately compatible. It’s the similarity of values and particular world views that are of ultimate importance.

According to the originator of this compatibility quiz, you need to match your partner in at least four of the twelve categories in order for your relationship to stand the test of time and the clash of cultures. (Even these 12 may be biased towards a western world view, so take it with a grain of Gomasio)

1. Do you have a high need for COMPANIONSHIP or are you a LONER?

(eg. Me: Loner, You: Companionship = no match)

2. Idealism—Do you see the world as basically EVIL or is the world GOOD?

3. Are you emotionally INTENSE or deep OR are you BLAND?

4. Do you prefer SPONTANEITY or THE PLANNED?

5. Libido—Do you have a high need for SENSUALITY/high sex drive or NOT?

6. Nurturance: Do you like to NURTURE others? Is taking care of others our role and responsibility, or do you prefer that people around you be INDEPENDENT?

7. Materialism: Do you prefer the CHIC or do you prefer SIMPLICITY?

8. Are you an EXTROVERT OR INTROVERT?

9. Is ESTHETICISM (art/nature/beauty/scenery) important to have in your life or NOT?

10. Activity level: Do you like to MOVE around or STAY PUT? Sleep in or get busy out in the world?

11. Subjective well-being: Are you an OPTIMIST or a PESSIMIST?

12. Is INTELLECTUALISM important or NOT to you and your mate? Avid reader, up on current events, smart, etc.?

[B]Final note: And for heaven’s sake, be patient! [/B]

Hope you enjoyed this little dating diversion from the usual business and motivational topics. And just so the editor of this newspaper doesn’t accuse me of straying too far from the usual theme of my column, I’ll recap the fundamentals: (Decide, Find Your Niche, Fish where they Swim, Respect the Culture, Learn the Language, Have Fun, Be Patient) and tell you that this advice pretty much applies to matters of profit as well as passion!

Any questions?

Note: For more tips on acting on your ideas, changing the game, and creating a passion-centered lifestyle, visit www.passionprofit.com!

Note: There’s a new blog in town! Check out www.blacksonsaipan.com

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Until next week, remember, success is a journey, not a destination!