Federal pay’s damn good pay, if….

The other night, a group of government employees were discussing the salary of an EPA employee assigned to monitor all activities at the Puerto Rico Dump. While I understand the technical nature of the work involved, the reaction from local employees was quite interesting as they struggle to understand the relationship between the dump and the well paid federal employee.

“For $82,000 a year, I’d be the most happiest Puerto Rico Dump employee and I’ll throw in a car wash for all heavy equipment and vehicles who exit the area.” Said another: “This guy, to no fault of his own, is making $82,000 per annum, higher than what we pay our governor and lt. governor. Hey, I’ll even sweep every square inch of the Puerto Rico Dump until it’s immaculately clean”.

For a moment, I entertained the idea of accepting a federal takeover of the NMI if every employee is salaried at $82,000 a year, including repatriation fees, money for family transportation, health and retirement benefits. This rather humble proposal should cost the federal government no less than $4 billion annually in salaries alone. Hey, if they are going to cough out this much on a 55-year guaranteed basis, excluding CIP funds, perhaps an agreement should be explored with Ed Cohen which must include payment of all revenue losses from businesses when both the tourism and garment industries turn insolvent.

If this plan works out, Cohen would turn professor emeritus in Pacific Islands Economies with emphasis on reinventing the American Dream by putting everybody on the welfare roll. Why not, it’s Interior’s plan after all.

But this idea is highly irresponsible for obvious reasons. We would have created a monstrous lifestyle where we place our fate in the laps of newly appointed supervisors of the new millennium’s “Interior’s Zoo in the NMI”. It means we would have to scrap the following:

• The Public Education System and the scholarship program where we prepare our
people to learn lifetime skills. I mean, why should we put our kids to school if–through Interior’s grand plan–each would be making $82,000 a year upon graduation from high school. Screw skills learning for this would be a complete reinvention of the American Dream, Interior’s style.

• Close down the Commonwealth Health Center and send all our sick people to Guam, Honolulu and San Diego, including ambulatory patients. With $82,000 a year, and a fat local treasury fueled with federal funds, going to off-island medical centers even for small cuts would become affordable and the cadillac of health care in the islands all hospitals across the country would envy.

• Close down all industries for we all would be salaried with damn good federal wages that includes payment in full for all business and revenue losses. We’d lease out Capital Hill to Japan for $2 billion over the next 55 years. We will have more than our share of funds to live and let live lazily ever after.

• The alternative is to replace all employees with robots–government and private sectors–to effectively eliminate any and all problems with employee rights. Interior must only worry that the power plant is functioning properly so that these robots work continuously for 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Allen Stayman can submit his annual report with the introductory statement: “Mr. President, believe me, this concept works except that occasionally we can’t find replacement parts for robots who have gone bust”.

• Vacation funds should also be included so that islanders can engage in globe
trotting, NMI version. We should take vacation trips to Europe, Australia, Asia and some other exotic places to recharge from too much beer and burned chicken and steak.

We’d be living a lifestyle better than the sultant of Indonesia whose mansion is built with the most expensive gold the world has ever known. Or how about living it better than the rich oil men from Saudi Arabian countries in paradise? Must pass this idea along to Mr. Cohen so he runs it by his bosses. It’s your turn, Mr. Cohen.