The Taco-crats

SAIPAN, Mariana Islands (Gonzo Wire Service)–A long awaited report on alleviating the taco shortage on this small Pacific island has finally been made public, sparking a controversy amongst islanders seeking affordable tacos.

The taco deficit was first pointed out by Micronesia’s leading economist, who claims to have subsisted solely on tacos and root beer for five consecutive years during the 1980’s.

A committee was soon formed to examine the causes and potential solutions for the taco deficit.

The Blue Ribbon Ad Hoc Special Task Force Committee on Tacos, armed with a budget of $7 million, undertook to research the history and evolution of the taco.

Committee members were sent all over the globe on fact finding missions. Several are still in Half Moon Bay, Calif., and Acapulco, Mexico studying the latest developments in the taco industry.

The BRAHSTFCT’s report, released today, suggests that a Taco Bell restaurant should be constructed on the island of Maug, some 300 miles north of Saipan.

The business community pointed out that Maug is remote, uninhabited, and that no customers or workers were available.

In response, Richard Tet, BRAHSTFCT chairman, blasted the business community for its unwillingness to entertain new ideas.

“The private sector is greedy, short-sighted, and has no originality,” said Tet.

“Maug will allow us to diversify our taco resources and will attract millions, maybe even zillions, of tourists from Siberia and the French Riviera every year,” he stated.

The BRAHSTFCT is also suggesting that the U.S. Department of Transportation withdraw funding from the Tinian airport expansion project, and instead fund the construction of an airfield on Maug. It also requested that the U.S. Department of Commerce underwrite a $24 million Gulfstream IV business jet with which to initiate service between Saipan and the remote island.

“The project will really be profitable and self-sustaining. The local CDA will float a bond to the CPA, and the NMIRF will pay the DOC with matching funds, based on the GRT from the Maug Taco Bell. It’s simple. There’s nothing fishy here,” said Tet. “Federal funding is essential but not needed,” he explained.

Meanwhile, the BRAHSTFCT has requested supplemental funding for its operations, having run through its $7 million allocation for the year. Travel funds have been depleted, and the committee is short staffed. “We are authorized to have 322 FTEs (Full Time Employees), but we’ve only got 290 on staff right now.” said M.T. Ulo,
BRAHSTFCT spokesman. “Increased staffing will enable us to utilize our resources more efficiently, since we have leased 300 cars but don’t have enough people to drive them.”

Despite the acute shortage of funding and personnel, BRAHSTFCT managed to produce several widely distributed reports. These include “Tacos and Self Esteem,” “Tacos and the Environment,” and “Tacos: A Strategic Plan for the Commonwealth.”