Another modest proposal

For at least the past couple of years, I have been rallying against the CNMI’s oppressive Foreign Investment Act. I believed that the required $100,000 security deposit was extremely unfair to outside investors and utterly damaging to our local economy. I was absolutely convinced that it dramatically slowed down our economic growth and deprived our local people of much needed wealth and prosperity.

Well, I have to admit that I was wrong all along. To be perfectly honest, I feel like a big fat 245-pound idiot for naively thinking that the Foreign Investment Act only exacerbated the harmful effects of the Asian financial crisis. In fact, I sincerely apologize to our legislature for harshly criticizing their enlightened policy, which I realize now was only intended to protect us for our own good.

You see, the good folks at the legislature were only interested in looking after our long-term economic, political, cultural and social interests. They passed the Foreign Investment Act for the same reason they passed the mandatory automobile insurance policy. The legislature, caring folks that they are, simply didn’t want to see innocent people get hurt.

If an uninsured motorist crashed in an unfortunate automobile accident, the driver could be sued for damages. He could easily lose everything: his house, his bank accounts–maybe even his wife, who might leave him for a man with assets. The compassionate folks at the legislature therefore took it upon themselves to enact certain safety precautions–controls designed to protect the general public.

The Foreign Investment Act, I fully realize now, was also intended to protect innocent people. What if a company suddenly went bankrupt? Who would take care of all the nonresident workers? Who would pay for their repatriation costs? The local bonding companies have repeatedly failed us. So, naturally, you can see why the $100,000 security deposit was put into place.

The Foreign Investment Act also protects our infrastructure from being overburdened by the kind of “uncontrolled, run-away economic growth and development” we are currently experiencing. If you don’t believe me, just ask House Speaker Diego Benavente, who also enacted this important piece of legislation in order to protect our cultural identity and protect us from alien exploitation. God forbid they ever make us rich through their hard work and faithful investments!

Well, now that we all agree on the basis of the Foreign Investment Act, I wish to call for a similar proposal–one based on exactly the same reasoning as the enlightened Foreign Investment Act. I should tell you: I am very excited about this proposal. I happen to think it is an utterly fantastic–I mean, splendid–concept. I call it “The Parental Responsibility Act of 1999.”

Here’s my idea: Pass a law requiring parents to submit a $20,000 government deposit for every child they wish to conceive and deliver.

Think about it! This will protect our over-taxed infrastructure. It will protect our culture by automatically reducing the amount of alien births. (How many nonresidents can afford $20,000 per child?) It will also protect the government from having to pay for the child’s medical, food and educational expenses through various welfare state handouts. (PSS already spends more than $5,000 per child.)

If the government wants to make sure that private businesses have enough capital to run a profitable business and care for its workers, wouldn’t it be equally–if not far more–important to ensure that parents have enough money to adequately care for their children–”our most valuable resource”?

Heck, why not? If Congressman Dino Jones wants to criminalize adultery, Hell, anything is possible: freedom and the constitution be damned!