Saipanda meets the Inflatable Dude

If you didn’t make it to Garapan this week, you missed quite a sight: The streets were conspicuously absent of pimps, hustlers, and the other creeps that habitually lurk in the shadows.

This little piece of urban renewal came courtesy of a law enforcement blitz, when the DPS said “enough is enough” and decided to (as they say in the military) kick butt and take names.

What amazed me was how effective the sweep seems to have been. I thought the pimps and the creeps would be scurrying around in the shadows like cockroaches the very next day, but the peace seems to have defied all odds and enjoyed a life span of more than a few hours. The DPS did an excellent job.

What’s the next step? We need to declare a “pimp slap” zone. Street signs should feature an image of a hand slapping a pimp. If a pimp hassles a tourist–slap. If a pimp hassles anyone at all–slap.

The Hashers could go on a pimp-slap run through Garapan, smacking the greasy little pimps in rapid succession. An alternating forehand/backhand technique might be of use, with points given for sound and technique.

Garapan was getting downright seedy, and we’ve all seen the sad sight of bedraggled tourist families trying to drag the kids through a gauntlet of hucksters and pimps. Compare that to the growing glitz of Guam’s Tumon district, and you can see why so many airliners are passing us by in favor of our southern neighbor.

And–sorry to sound like a critical old fuddy duddy–the “adult shops” in Garapan are a bit lacking in decorum, at least as far as the window dressing is concerned. I don’t care if they want to sell 200 horsepower, turbo-charged vibrators–live it up, that’s what I say–but maybe such things shouldn’t be plainly visible to kids, economists, and other impressionable minds.

Which brings me to this: The Inflatable Dude. He’s displayed prominently in one shop window. The bio-mechanics of the concept mystify me. Not even President Clinton on LSD could find a use for the Inflatable Dude. What’s the point of it? Do they sell many of them? Is there an entire secret, doomsday cult in Japan that sends tourists down with purchase orders for Inflatable Dudes?

Do we really want the Inflatable Dude to be our de-facto tourism mascot? Admittedly, it’s no dumber than the “Saipanda” concept, but I’m sure we could do better somehow. We should ship Saipana and the Inflatable Dude to a Japanese movie set where they can duke it out and mutually self-destruct in a fiery sequel to “Godzilla versus the Smog Monster.”

Of course, the pretty gals in the short skirts poised in the doorways to karaoke bars are ok. They’re no menace. Most, in fact, are pretty darned good looking, and anyone with a resume that lists “human door post” as a profession must lead a life that is unfathomably charmed or unbelievably cursed.

As for Garapan’s curse, hopefully the DPS can lift it by keeping on the pressure.