Dodging the job bullet

Work is no fun, but those of us under the American flag are fortunate because we can get paid not to work. All sorts of nifty welfare schemes are available, funded, of course, by the stupid suckers who toil their lives away (they’re called “taxpayers.”)

You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to know that it’s more blessed to receive than it is to give. So, in the interest of helping more of us avoid having to work, I’m providing the following ideas on How To Not Find A Job:

Idea 1: Application, oui, resume, non.

Never have a resume. Instead, simply stroll into various offices and say “I wanna application.” This is particularly impressive if you are hoping not to land a management position someday.

A resume shows that you at least have the self respect to devote one sheet of typing paper to summarizing why you’d be a good employee. This, of course, is tantamount to bragging, and nobody likes a braggart. Asking for an application is a better bet for that job you don’t want.

Idea 2: Chew gum

Slack-jawed gum chewers are immediately recognized for their sharp wits and keen minds. The really accomplished ones–the bubble gum elite, as it were–can manage to glaze their eyes over with vacant, bovine expressions. This is just the look that employers, and their customers, appreciate in a staff member.

At a really important interview, bring extra gum, just in case you lose it when you sneeze or something.

Idea 3: Use four-letter words

My favorites are “yeah,” “nope,” and “okay.” These immediately demonstrate your depth of character.

Advanced linguists can add to this basic inventory of four-letter words. We can use “uh-huh,” and even “nuh-uh,” which mean, respectively, “yeah” and “nope.”

“I dunno” is also a handy phrase, and is a favorite of mine.

Idea 4: IBM, nope, Mac, yeah.

The real world uses IBM compatible computers. If you can’t use them, make sure to tell a prospective employer that Macs are better because “that’s what we used in school.” Your soon- to-be-never employer will be impressed that your fourth-grade public school teacher is supposed to be a benchmark for the data processing needs of the corporate world.

Idea 5: Have a bad driving record

A smart employer will use any excuse to check your driving record, which is an irrefutable reflection of your responsibility (or lack thereof). Make sure you’ve got a few tickets and accidents on your record (none of which were your fault, of course).

Idea 6: Don’t have a pen

It’s likely that during a job interview you’ll be asked to write something or fill out a form. Make sure you don’t have a pen. After all, how were you to know that you might have to write something? If the man upstairs wanted mankind to write, we’d have pens for fingernails. Only geeks carry pens.

And only geeks have jobs.