Wanted: eccentric millionaire

One of my favorite sights on the island is the rotting hulk of an old hovercraft that’s sidelined on the ramp at Lower Base. If I had a few million in idle funds burning a hole in my pocket, I’d adopt this orphaned beast and spend my days restoring it.

It’s such a cool machine–sort of 1950’s Popular Mechanics archaic high tech–an unlikely mesh of the awkward, the graceful, the goofy, and the powerful. I can’t help but sensing a personality beating beneath the faded blue paint. It inspires a paternal urge, and I want to nurse the thing back to health.

Atop the beast is a good sized jet engine. Yes, jet. I’ve crawled all over this thing and surmise that one of the turbines in the engine drives an output shaft that in turn drives a gearbox. The gearbox has two outputs: one is a massive fan that blows air downwards, providing the air cushion on which the thing flies. The other output shaft drives a pusher propeller at the rear of the craft, providing forward propulsion.

I don’t know where the propeller is. It’s not on the craft; I guess somebody somewhere has it hanging on the garage wall.

Nor do I know what the hovercraft would do if the engine conked out and lost power. Presumably the thing would be buoyant enough to float. Did they issue oars to the crew for such contingencies? No oars are in evidence. Maybe the Captain kept a Mercury outboard engine stashed away in his sea bag or something.

The waters between Saipan and Tinian are pretty choppy, so it’s hard for me to imagine that such a route would have been a practical run for the craft. Again, though, this is speculation based on my total ignorance of how the thing operated. I ask it questions but the only answer is the faint howl of the trade winds through the busted windows and gutted passenger cabin.

For the lagoon, though, I’ll bet the thing was a screamer. Shallow waters and coral heads? No problem–just crank in the power and glide over the waters, ingesting an occasional jet ski as ancillary kill.

I’d like to hoist a Skull and Crossbones flag and terrorize the entire lagoon in this beast, running so fast that the cops don’t have a chance and the Coast Guard is forced to make a special request to the Navy for some Mark 46 torpedoes, which I could still outrun as I zigged behind coral heads which would explode in a fine mist in my wake as the torpedoes slam into them.

Ah, such are the happy thoughts that dance in my head when I visit my hovercraft. I know it’s mine because my pal Captain Bob always asks “how’s your hovercraft doing?”

The good Captain might think I’m mildly deranged, given my obsession with that decrepit old hovercraft. Maybe I relate to its tropical outcast status. But the raw power of the machine is undeniable, the mystique is compelling, and best of all I’m sure the thing was loud as hell. What more could a real man want? It’s the ultimate machine.

Indeed, it’s time to place an advertisement….

“WANTED:

Eccentric millionaire to fund restoration of hovercraft. Contact Ed Jr. at Saipan Tribune. Skull and Crossbones flag already on order.”