Monica’s Initial Public Offering?

Here’s some financial news you might have missed: the price of stock in the Jenny Craig company jumped 32% yesterday.

Jenny Craig seemed to be doing a banner business in California, at least when I left there several years ago. It’s a weight loss clinic/diet foot biz.

Americans get fatter and fatter each year, and I don’t know if this bodes well or bodes poorly for the diet biz. In the bodes well scenario, they’d have a larger (pun intended) market to address. In the bodes poorly scenario, maybe the populace is less concerned about keeping the pounds off–which is why they’re putting them on.

Jenny Craig’s stock price bloated on news of their latest marketing coup: They’ve reportedly signed Monica Lewinsky, without a doubt the most famous porker of 1999, as a spokesman.

Lewinsky is said to have shed 30 pounds, with credit going to Jenny Craig. No one has yet speculated if her weight loss might instead be due to the cessation of her famous Oval Office snacking habits, the good old Arkansas Gobble.

So for the new year we’ll be faced with more Monica, though I don’t know if the Jenny Craig advertising campaign will reach all the way to our fair shores (I hope it doesn’t).

The Larry King television show does show up here, though, and Monica will be making her first live television appearance with Mr. King on January third.

In other words, we’re in for more Monica even if she claims there’s less Monica.

What does Monica say her profession is? What does she list on her tax form on that line that says “occupation?” Celebrity slut? Famous floozie? Premier porker? This is a brand new industry from the looks of things. Combining shameful peccadillos with unsightly cellulite is one heck of a marketing spin, and one that nobody could have dreamed up in advance. Economists are going to have to scramble to account for this new industry; we’ll need a whole new Standard Industrial Code for it.

If Martha Stewart could go public, then why can’t Lewinsky? She could start her own line of cigars, blue dresses, diet pills…all sorts of products spring to mind.

Or how about an advice column? “Ask Monica.” Cosmopolitan magazine could carry it. Look out Martha Stewart, someone’s gaining on you…and dirty outsells wholesome time and time again.

Victoria’s Secret could forge a joint venture with Lane Bryant (peddler of “plus size” women’s clothes) and market an entire line of Monica lingerie. (Aye….there’s an image I didn’t need).

Well, if you can’t beat them, join them. Monica, I think you need me as your agent. I’ve got the brains, you’ve got the…er, I don’t know what you’ve got, but it’s selling.

So let’s do lunch, babe. Let’s go public.